Post by Kdawg33A on 09/18/08 at 2:18pm
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Saturday Night Racer
http://www.latemodelracer.com/cgi-bin/yabb2/YaBB.pl Saturday Night Racer >> SNR LOUNGE >> Joke of the Day http://www.latemodelracer.com/cgi-bin/yabb2/YaBB.pl?num=1221761324 Message started by formercrewguy on 09/18/08 at 11:08am |
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Title: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 09/18/08 at 11:08am ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.' 'CASE DISMISSED!!' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mod41fan on 09/18/08 at 12:40pm roflmfao. thats some funny $h!t right there. thanks formercrewguy |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bigmikes on 09/18/08 at 12:52pm Subject: Obama and The Little Girl > > > Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to > her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you > strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' > > The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said > to Obama, 'What would you like to talk about?' > > 'Oh, I don't know,' said the Obama. 'How about What Changes I Should Make > to America? ....and he smiles. > > 'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. > > But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat > the same stuff -- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow > turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do > you suppose that is?' > > Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about > it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' > > To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to change > America, when you don't know chit?' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 09/18/08 at 2:18pm
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 09/18/08 at 3:12pm GOOD JOKE..... John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,' The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?' McCain replied, 'Go ahead, Cindy doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 09/18/08 at 7:58pm Friends vs. Southern Friends FRIENDS: Never ask for food. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you. FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together. FRIENDS: Know a few things about you. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you. FRIENDS: Would knock on your door. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm here!' FRIENDS: will visit you in jail SOUTHERN FRIENDS: will spend the night in jail with you??? FRIENDS: will visit you in the hospital when you're sick SOUTHERN FRIENDS: will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night with you in the hospital and cook for you when you come home FRIENDS: have you on speed dial SOUTHERN FRIENDS: have your number memorized FRIENDS: Are for a while. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life. FRIENDS: Would ignore this. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will forward this to all their other Southern Friends Which one are you? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 09/18/08 at 8:23pm IF THIS DOES NOT BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER AND GO BACK TO BED. Why do we love children? 1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!' 2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.' 3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.' 4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?' 5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' 6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?' 7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' 8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.' 9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of wha t he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!) 10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school . 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!' 11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!' HAVE A NICE DAY, AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU GOT OUT OF BED!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 09/21/08 at 3:59pm TALKING CLOCK After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. 'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked. 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied. 'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'Yup,' replied the drunk. 'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it. 'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. . The three stood looking at one another for a moment....... Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a$$hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 09/23/08 at 11:39am Three New Navy Ships USS REAGAN Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective... ENORMOUS!  When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement. Capability Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling 1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years 2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft 3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet Size 1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline 2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall 3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres 4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds 5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons 6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet Capacity 1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel 2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days 3. 18,150 meals served daily 4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes 5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones 6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets 7. Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation 8. Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations (Sailor's salaries included). USS BILL CLINTON The USS William Jefferson Clint on (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC  The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President. The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence. As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board. This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs. An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere. In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada . USS BARACK OBAMA  White House Press Secretary Jesse Jackson issued the following: 'This technological wonder is powered by the newest model Briggs & Stratton three horsepower engine and environmentally friendly hand paddles. Extra large white flags are ready to deploy at a moments notice. Government scientists are also working on top secret 'retro sails' which will allow this ship to make the fastest retreat of any ship in history' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 09/28/08 at 1:56pm Subject: pay increase The maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: ' Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you. 'Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.' Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?' Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.' SHE GOT THE RAISE!!! ;D :o :-? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Old Grouch on 09/28/08 at 2:45pm Presidential candidate, Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the presidential candidate if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious democrat presidential candidate asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy. 'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident. A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy. 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy. 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?' 'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... and it probably wouldn't be a freaking accident either. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Mark on 09/28/08 at 5:17pm Obama's entire platformis about Change ! What dose CHANGE stand for ? Come Help A Negro Get Elected ! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Old Grouch on 09/28/08 at 10:38pm Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.' As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that darn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!' ( NOW I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE, THAT'S FUNNY!) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 09/29/08 at 1:45pm John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. 'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy. 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called the Exorcist.' 'I am shocked son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!' With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her right off her chair. :D ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 09/29/08 at 9:40pm GOLF BALL SALE 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bigmikes on 09/30/08 at 12:51pm A cowboy walks into a bar and after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. What the heck,' he says to himself, 'I really want a drink.' When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, 'What's the name of your manhood?' The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.' The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It Really Satisfies.' The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, 'Hey bud, what's the name of yours?' The man looks back and says with a smile, 'TIMEX..' The thirsty cowboy asks, 'Why Timex?' The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!' A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, 'So, what do you guys call yours?' The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'.' Then he adds, 'Have you driven a Ford lately?' The guy next to him then says, 'I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'... And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,'The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer.' The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why Secret?' The cowboy says, 'Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 10/01/08 at 6:38am HOLY HUMOR A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my favorite) ======= There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady. ======== "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." ======== A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." ======== There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." ======== While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust." ======== A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... " ======== A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business." ======== People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre of attention. ======== Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming." ======== The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 10/06/08 at 8:18pm 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 10/06/08 at 9:13pm On television today a Democratic operative pointed out that when Obama holds a rally 25-30,000 people show up, whereas when McCain holds one he only draws 10-15,000. The Republican spokesman replied, "That's because McCain's supporters are at work." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by motor99 on 10/08/08 at 4:32pm hahahahah thats funny! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 10/08/08 at 6:32pm LOLOLOLHAHAHA, THAT IS DANG FUNNY-and probably true.lol,JUst a joke people. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 10/09/08 at 10:28pm About Troopergate mudslinger47 wrote on 10/09/08 at 10:05pm:
LOL so loud I scared the Cat!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 10/10/08 at 6:04pm Subject: Fw: That's how the fight started > >> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for > >> $14.95. > >> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the > >> beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. > >> And that's how the fight started. ****************************************************************** > >> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for > >> Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my > >> driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and > >> realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was > >> very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The > >> woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my > >> curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof > >> enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When > >> I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the > >> Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your > >> pants. You might have gotten disability, too'. > >> And that's how the fight started..... > > ****************************************************************** > >> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and > >> I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone > >> at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' > >> 'Yes,' I sighed, > >> 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right > >> after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been > >> sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person > >> could go on celebrating that long?' > >> And that's how the fight started..... ****************************************************************** > >> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road > >> and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how > >> sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem > >> funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He > >> stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT > >> HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one > >> are you?' > >> And that's how the fight started..... > >> > > ****************************************************************** > >> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my > >> order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He > >> said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for > >> herself.' > >> And that's how the fight started..... :D :o ::) :P :-/ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 10/10/08 at 6:17pm Does anyone think this might apply to todays news media???? The Biker and the Lion A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.' The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have? ' The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' ----------------- The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH :o ::) :-X |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 10/12/08 at 12:10pm A small zoo in Ohio obtained a very rare species of > gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became > very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian > determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make > matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. > > Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper > thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker > responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like > most rednecks, had little sense > but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of > any species. > > The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. > Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be > willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00 ? > > Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would > have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, > he announced that he would accept their offer, but only > under five conditions: > > "First", Bobby Lee said, "I > ain't g onna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper > quickly agreed to this condition. > > "Second", he said, "She must wear a > 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper > again readily agreed to this condition. > > "Third", he said, "you can't > never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily > agreed to this condition. > > "Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want > all the children raised Baptist." Once again it was > agreed. > > "And last," Bobby Lee said, > "I'll need another week to come up with the $500. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 10/14/08 at 11:05pm DON'T SCROLL THROUGH THIS ONE, Read it through, it will make the punchline even funnier > Potatoes > > > > > Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, > and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they > Called 'Yam.' > > Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. > > When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. > > They warned her about going out > and > Getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad > name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of > Tater Tots > > Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and Make a rotten potato out of her! > > But on the other hand she > wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. > > She would get > plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring > Cousins. > > When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam > to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland . > > And the > Greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out West, > to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. > > Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow > and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other > side of the tracks who advertise thei r trade on all the trucks that say, < BR>> 'Frito Lay.' > > Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's > Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really > be in the Chips. > > But in spite of all they did for her, > one-day Yam came home > and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. > > Tom Brokaw! > > Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. > > They told > Yam she couldn't possibly > Marry Tom Brokaw > Because he's just....... > > Are you ready for this? > > > OK! Here it is! > > > > > A COMMONTATER |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 10/15/08 at 10:37am The $500 Nightgown A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- The more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.' She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!' 1. He never heard the shot. 2. Funeral on Thursday at Noon. 3. The coffin, Closed |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 10/15/08 at 10:52am OLD SCHOOL#6 wrote on 10/06/08 at 9:13pm:
That's funny, I'd bet that Obama could get more to attend if it were a KKK rally-:) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by speeddoggie on 10/16/08 at 9:20am Ain't this the truth Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion. As required by law, they tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are supposed to trust the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a who-re house and selling booze. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 10/16/08 at 12:47pm Investment tips for 2008 For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2008: 1 .) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker. 3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood. 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa . 5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP. 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild. 7.. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants. 8 Knotts <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! And finally... 9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang Make it a great day!!! :) :D ;D 8-) :P |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 10/18/08 at 9:57am How's the federal government doing with the bailout? Think about this: Back in 1990's, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whorehouse and selling booze? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by TDAWG on 10/18/08 at 1:31pm Excellent example Old School!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by TDAWG on 10/18/08 at 1:33pm CUT GOVERNMENT SPENDING OR STOP IT AND SOLVE THE DEFICIT!!!!!!!! Less government is GOOD!!! More government control will be EVIL!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 10/19/08 at 12:28pm To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine, or beer . . . And to those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. (That's over 2 pounds). However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) Because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh!t. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 10/19/08 at 12:36pm Didn't need to know that,lolol. Wisdom in everything. lol |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 10/19/08 at 12:38pm HAHAHA Too funny O.S.!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bigmikes on 10/20/08 at 1:11pm Important Announcement.... Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 10/20/08 at 2:16pm Submitted by my car chief Thomas the Great Today All the women in the US are shaving their privates in support of Obama. Their message to the world, "read our lips, No More Bush!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by txlmfan on 10/20/08 at 5:23pm recent hiring in texas A MAN HAD APPLIED TO BE A DEPUTY SHERIFF AND AFTER A COUPLE OF INTERVIEWS HE WAS CALLED IN TO MEET THE SHERIFF ONE MORE TIME. WHEN HE WAS GREETED BY THE SHERIFF THE SHERIFF HANDED HIM A PISTOL WITH 13 BULLETS. HE THEN TOLD THE MAN THAT HIS FINAL TEST WAS TO TAKE THE PISTOL AND SHOOT 6 ILLEGAL IMMAGRANTS, 6 OBAMA SUPPORTERS, AND 1 RABBIT. THE MAN ASKED "WHY THE RABBIT"?. HE WAS HIRED IMMEDIATLY |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 10/21/08 at 12:06am Quote for the day: 'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.' So - if you give her crap , you will get a bucket full of sh!t. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by TCS on 10/21/08 at 12:47am If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Airlines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214. Based on the above, the best current investment advise is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan. :D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 10/21/08 at 9:20am A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again sh e proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't' she says. 'I was behind you at McDonalds.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 10/21/08 at 5:01pm A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.' The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere. The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere.' The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.' By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 10/21/08 at 5:08pm UH OH, look out for the happ-ening. LMAO,, great fuuny joke. By the way, The jokes on the SHEEP that are following Osama. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 10/23/08 at 5:37pm Great Joke DT !!!!! You're an EXTREME Redneck when.... 1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night. 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.' 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9. Your junior prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. ' 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 10/24/08 at 8:23pm Write these words down on a piece of paper and bet someone they can't say the list 5 times in 10 seconds Eye Em Sofa King We Todd Did |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bigmikes on 10/26/08 at 9:54am > The Divorced Barbie Doll > > One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly > remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. > > He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one > of those Barbie¢s in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do > you mean, Sir? > > We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach > Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, > Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for > $265.95. > > The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 > and the others only $19.95? > > The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., > Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, > Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls. > |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 10/26/08 at 10:01am +++++ BILLY +++++ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by TDAWG on 10/26/08 at 10:26am 18racr wrote on 10/26/08 at 10:01am:
Now thats funny! and also true! LMAO |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 10/27/08 at 7:42am The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!' Church A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a darned fine sermon. darned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so darned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher said, 'No nuts?' Pancakes Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small thingy. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father. :D ;D :) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 10/27/08 at 7:47am JUST TAKE 2,,,LMAO |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bigmikes on 10/27/08 at 11:31am Subject: Dad at the Mall I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 10/27/08 at 12:45pm BigMikes I LOVE THAT JOKE!!! I had forgotten about it though!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bigmikes on 10/28/08 at 4:13pm The Aisle Seat Two Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said , 'I need to get up and get a Coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?' THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 10/28/08 at 5:29pm LMAO...HOW LONG? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 10/29/08 at 3:33pm How Long is a Chinese name. Hey 18racr, Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid?? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Ian on 10/29/08 at 5:11pm Three men show up at the pearly gates at the exact same time. St. Peter says there's only room for one today, and the spot will go to the man whose death was most bizarre. The first man said he suspected his wife was cheating, so he came home early one day to catch her. His wife was naked, but he couldn't find the other guy. Then he saw fingers holding onto the edge of the balcony. He got a hammer and started hitting the fingers. Finally the guy let go, fell, and landed in a tree. He wasn't dead, so the man ran to the kitchen, wheeled his refrigerator to the edge of the balcony, and pushed it over onto the guy in the tree. The exertion of pushing the refrigerator was just too much, so the man had a heart attack and died. "That's pretty bizarre," said St. Peter. The second man said he was exercising on his balcony when the railing gave way and he fell over the side. Two floors down he managed to grab onto another balcony. He said he thought he was saved until some maniac came out and started hammering on his fingers. He lost his grip and tumbled towards the ground, but fortunately a tree broke his fall. He was about to thank God for saving him when suddenly a refrigerator fell from the balcony. It knocked him from the tree and continued to the ground where it landed on him, killing him instantly. "That's even more bizarre," said St. Peter. The third man says, "Picture this... I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator..." --------------------------------------------------------------- It seems women got PMS even in biblical times. I heard that Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem! ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jesus dies and goes to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father. He has never met the man before and is curious to see what he looks like. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter, "Where is my father?" St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel, "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know, either. He asks John the Baptist, "Where is my father?" And John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?" "Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man," Jesus says. The old man replies, "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. He has holes in his hands where the nails used to be..." "Father!!" screams Jesus. "Pinocchio!!" yells the old man. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 10/30/08 at 8:33pm -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. 'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks. 'Well,' his mother say's, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.' Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna' tell him or should I?' __________________ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by jrtracing on 10/31/08 at 7:21am A young boy is walking down the road and an old man sitting in a rocking chair on his porch calls out to him "Boy whatcha got there?" The boy says "I got me some duct tape." The old man- "whatcha gonna do with that?" Boy- "I'm gonna catch me some ducks." Man- "There aint no way your gonna catch any ducks with that there duct tape." The little boy just keeps walking. A while later he walks back by the old man with a whole bunch of ducks wrapped up in the tape. The old man just shakes his head in disbelief. The next day the little boy comes walking by again. Old Man-"Boy whatcha got there?" The boy says "I got me some Chicken Wire." Old man- "whatcha gonna do with that?" Boy- "I'm gonna catch me some chickens." Man- "There aint no way your gonna catch any chickens with that there chicken wire." The little boy just keeps walking. A while later he walks back by the old man with a whole bunch of chickens wrapped up in the chicken wire. The old man just shakes his head in disbelief. The next day the boy walks by and the old man asks "Whatcha got today boy?" Boy-"I got me some Pu ssywillows." "WELL HANG ON LET ME GRAB MY HAT!!" says the old man. (I probably posted that on here before. It's one of my favorites, but the previous joke reminded me of it again.) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 10/31/08 at 10:02am Ain't this the truth? An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.' The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.' He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter 'Want coffee.' The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?' The Indian smiles and proudly says .. 'Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by txlmfan on 10/31/08 at 3:40pm *Subject:* Lawyer A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client (Wright) who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonig ht. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by txlmfan on 10/31/08 at 3:47pm WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MICHELL OBAMA AND SARAH PALIN? YOU WILL FIND ONE OF THEM IN PLAYBOY, AND THE OTHER ONE IN NATIONAL GEOGRAPHY. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 11/02/08 at 8:15am > THE DONKEY STORY worth reading to the end........... > > > > > > > > > One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a dry > well. The animal cried piteously for hours as > the farmer tried to figure out what to do. > > Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the > well needed to be covered up anyway; > > > > it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. > > He invited all his neighbors to come over and > help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began > to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the > donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. > > > > Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. > > A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally > looked down the well. He was astonished at what > he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his > back, the donkey was doing something amazing. > He would shake it off and take a step up > > As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel > dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it > off and take a step up. > > Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey > stepped up over the edge of the well and > happily trotted off! > > Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds > of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well > is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of > our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out > of the deepest wells just by not stopping, > never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. > > Remember the five simple rules to be happy: > > Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. > > Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. > > Live simply and appreciate what you have > > > > Give more. > > Expect less > > > > > > NOW ............. > > > > > Enough of that crap . . The donkey later came back, > > > > and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. > > > > The gash from the bite got infected and > > > > the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. > > > > > > MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: > > When you do something wrong, and try to cover > your ass, it always comes back to bite you. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 11/02/08 at 8:18am MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD' 'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood? ' 'Yep!' 'Happy Birthday, buddy!' (Rednecks know how to git-R-dun). |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 11/02/08 at 8:20am The Pope Meets Sarah Palin Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing in Venice. The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private meeting, hoping they will only have to give her minimal press coverage, if any. The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through the canals of Venice. They're admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff's cap with his pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft. Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry." She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Pope's hat, bends over and picks it up. Then she walks back across the water to the gondola and steps aboard. She hands the hat to the Pope amid his stunned silence. The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats in Congress, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and all over France and Germany is: "Palin Can't Swim." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 11/03/08 at 6:35am I'm voting Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I'm voting Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my horse. I'm voting Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't. I'm voting Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would. I'm voting Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it. I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good people. I'm voting Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday CAN tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius. I'm voting Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit. I'm voting Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would NEVER get their agendas past the voters. I'm voting Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my @#% it's unlikely that I'll ever have another point of view. 'A Liberal is a person who will give away everything they don't own' >:( :( :o |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 11/03/08 at 6:43am GREAT POST WOOLIE !!! They are blind lazy people that want free handouts with ICE CREAM |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 11/03/08 at 5:03pm Why did the chicken cross the road? BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change! JOHN MC CAIN: My friends - that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. SARAH PALIN: The chicken had to cross the road because he was not able to find a bridge. Alaskans do not build bridges to nowhere. If he wanted a bridge, he'd have to build it himself. HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE: I invented the chicken. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: The chicken crossed the road because it needed exercise! We don't want any girlie-man chickens in Kalifornia! AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens. DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 11/04/08 at 12:49am Neil Boortz said tonight on his radio program, Obama has large crowds at all his rallys, he aught to, none of his followers work. Cracked me up. Duane |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bigmikes on 11/12/08 at 4:28pm After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks. 'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him. 'Your boyfriend, then?'he continues. 'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. 'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by chevcamarolvr on 11/13/08 at 8:21am A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.' The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 11/13/08 at 6:10pm Mexican Earthquake >> A big earthquake with the strength of>� 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.>> Two million Mexicans have died and over>> a million are injured. The� country is totally ruined> and the government doesn't know where to start>> and is asking for help to rebuild.>> The rest of the world is in shock.>> Canada is sending troopers to help the> Mexican army control the riots.>> Saudi Arabia is sending oil.>> Other Latin American countries> are sending supplies.>> The European community (except France )> is sending food and money.>> The United States , not to be outdone,> is sending two million Mexicans to>> replace the dead ones.>> God bless America!!!!>>> A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong > enough to>>> take everything you have. � � � Thomas Jefferson |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 11/13/08 at 8:15pm This is a little racy, but still funny!! Duane http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZjpCK02s3A |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 11/14/08 at 6:58am mudslinger47 wrote on 11/13/08 at 8:15pm:
NOW THAT WAS GOOD STUFF RIGHT THERE!!!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bigmikes on 11/19/08 at 1:36pm CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came backwith a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooomuch cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by TDAWG on 11/20/08 at 10:03am OBAMA IS BAFFLED BY LETTER FROM OSAMA "After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still avile." Barrack Hussein Obama has now been telling everyone he will capture Osama Bin Laden ahen elected." So, Osama himself decided to send Barrack Hussein Obama a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Obama opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message: -----------370H-SSV-0773H------------ Obama was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Howard Dean. Dean and the DNC and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to Joe Biden. Joe Biden could not solve it either, so it was sent to the FBI and the CIA. Eventually after not being able to solve it, they took it to John McCain and his staff to look at it. And within a few minutes McCains's staff e-mailed Obama with this reply: "Tell Obama he's holding the message upside down!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by amccain on 11/20/08 at 10:06am subject: Cake Or Bed.... A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS............................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE. HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 11/20/08 at 4:28pm Only in Texas my friends... Only in Texas A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s expense. The deputy says,' License and registration, please.' 'What for?' says the lawyer. The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.' Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' 'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.' The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' 'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law License and registration, please!' the Deputy says. Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' 'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 11/21/08 at 5:43pm Quote of the day from a fund manager: 'This is worse than a divorce... I've lost half of my net worth and I still have my wife..' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 11/22/08 at 3:21pm Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!' So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but oneday St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?' The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 11/22/08 at 5:21pm That is funny stuff, I didn't see that one coming. Keep up the good work. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 11/23/08 at 1:39pm Better than a Flu Shot! The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister Noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I found this little package On the ground. The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.' If you don't send this To five GOOD friends Right away There will be Five fewer people Smiling in the world . CJ Of all the blessing the Lord sends us...... Friendship must be His favorite........ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 11/24/08 at 5:35pm A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?" The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his shotgun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver". The doctor said, "My point exactly". |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 11/25/08 at 1:04pm I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by woodracing35 on 11/25/08 at 4:08pm <object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/1piuJzS7H-4&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/1piuJzS7H-4&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object> please listen its hilarious... |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 11/26/08 at 7:46am The Parrot An upstanding young man named Philip received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the parrot's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. Philip tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, not watching any bad movies in the bird's presence, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, Philip was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Philip shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. Philip, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer! For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Poor Philip, fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Philip's outstretched arms and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." Philip was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot what had led to such a dramatic change in his behavior when the bird continued: "May I ask what the turkey did?" ......... ;D Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. Drive careful, be safe, and EAT PLENTY !!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 11/26/08 at 11:13am Sick Leave I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office.... When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, 'And where do you think you're going'? (You're gonna love this....) She said, 'I'm going home, too. You can't possibly expect me to work in the dark |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by tmfab on 12/02/08 at 12:08pm A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh . Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location. She responds, "It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 12/04/08 at 5:56pm THE RECIPE A man is showering in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed. "darn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What do you mean?" Jim asked. "Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Jim agrees and the two say good-bye. A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?" "Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco." . . . Wait for it ........... . . . . . . . . Wait ............ ... . . . . . . . "Crisco?" Bob exclaimed. "darn it Jim, Crisco is shortening!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/04/08 at 8:11pm groan |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 12/05/08 at 7:37pm A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom,with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. But she doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her inhis arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than shehas ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by PodunkFan on 12/06/08 at 9:08pm AIRSPACE VIOLATION PROTOCOL According to a Marine Pilot: In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination. I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this... Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.' Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.' Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!' Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!' Air Defense Radar: (no response ... Total silence) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 12/07/08 at 7:37am PodunkFan wrote on 12/06/08 at 9:08pm:
Love it, GO AIR FORCE !!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 12/07/08 at 3:45pm There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes The Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle It under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and She reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws Open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole Line is backing up, putting the entire production line Behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for Himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there Are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're Really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains Of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece Of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to Carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself Together and approaches Lena .. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you Yesterday..' 'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 12/07/08 at 7:14pm IT'S HELL GETTING OLD! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that darn jar open. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 12/08/08 at 7:44pm  |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by benstrans on 12/08/08 at 8:11pm 18racr wrote on 12/08/08 at 7:44pm:
And THEN the fight started!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/09/08 at 9:38am DEPRESSED I'm depressed as the Stock Market is killing me so I called Lifeline. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/13/08 at 8:55pm Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into > bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. > > He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your > sleep, Ralph..' > > Ralph was stunned. > 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. > Send me back!' > > St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and > that is as a chicken.' > > Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his > home.. The next thing he knew, he was > covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. > > A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day > here?' > > 'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. > Like I'm gonna explode!' > > 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. > 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' > > 'Never,' said Ralph. > > 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' > > Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! > > Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid > another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. > > As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his > head, and heard his wife yell..... > > Ralph! Wake up. You **** the bed!' __________________ - |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 12/13/08 at 9:44pm LOLOL |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/16/08 at 12:24am I asked santa for a black hummer with a lot of chrome . the s.o.b. gave me a black crack hore with braces. My wife asked me what I was going to get her for Christmas this year. I told her nothing because she never used what i got her last year. A grave yard plot. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 12/19/08 at 8:19am Who is your true friend? This really works................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/19/08 at 8:43am I prolly aught to pre-arange my services cause I know mu azz would be dead!!! LOL Duane ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/19/08 at 8:54am Two married Fellas, Jim and Alec were having a beer after work. Jim says: "Have you ever said something when you meant to say something else?" "How do you mean?" said Alec. "Well, see the other day, instead of two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg" "Yeah, I know what you mean," said Alec. "Last week I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say 'Pass me the Sugar.' But what came out was "You bit@h, you've ruined my life!!!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 12/19/08 at 4:36pm ^^^^^^^LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!^^^^^^^  Thanks Duane |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 12/21/08 at 10:58am An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects. A bible A silver dollar A bottle of whisky And a playboy magazine. 'I'll just hide behind the door', the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school this afternoon, 'I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum. The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this months centerfold. 'Lord have mercy.' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 'He's gonna run for Congress!!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 12/22/08 at 8:26am 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/22/08 at 8:54am Some of the greatest humor comes from the kids and they don't even know it!!!!! Good one Kevin!! Duane |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 12/22/08 at 10:48am The Day the thingy asked for a Raise I, the thingy, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, P. Niss The Response Dear thingy: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes l eave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely, V. Gina :-/ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 12/22/08 at 12:32pm LMAOOOO..THANKS FOR SHARING |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 12/22/08 at 2:53pm LMAO Woolie Claus!! Thanks for Posting!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by csmith3d on 12/24/08 at 2:08pm A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to > the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he > discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor. > > The female doctor says, I'm going to check your > prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different > from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on > your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your > prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99. > > The guy obeys and says, 99. > > Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I > repeat the check, talk a deep breath and say, 99. > > Again, the guy says, 99. > > The doctor said, "very good". Now then, I want > you to lie on your back with your knees raised. > > I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and > with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your thingy > to keep it out of the way.. > > Now take a deep breath and say 99. > > The guy begins, ONE--TWO--THREE---FOUR---- > > > "There has got to be some fun with getting older" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 12/27/08 at 1:35pm DUI - SOUTHERN STYLE (Only people from North Carolina could think of this. From the county where driving while under the influence is considered a sport, comes this true story.) Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Kinston , North Carolina . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy CLASSIC!!!!!! We gotta try this! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 12/28/08 at 7:36pm Another good one woolie !!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by tmfab on 12/29/08 at 5:05pm This is a very accurate description of a lot of tools. I can't believe how well they described these things. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,' What the...??'' ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing g jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles with the speed of a ballistic missile for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2 X 4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in boltholes thereby ending any possible future use. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacks aw. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door ; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. THIS IS THE ONE I PERSONALLY USE THE MOST!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 12/29/08 at 6:41pm Great defination of tools, I think I own about 1 of each, and especially the "Dammit Tool", think I have several of those. Great Post...Thanks....Don ;D :D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 01/02/09 at 8:13am A Kansas farm wife called the local telephone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 4. After a couple of jolt s, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. All of which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. Thought you'd like to know :o :'( |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 01/07/09 at 10:39am THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.... >:( :( :o :-? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 01/11/09 at 7:53pm A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Walmart greeter,sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. And you thought all they did was say Hello. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 01/14/09 at 2:34pm A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire. No further studies are expected. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 01/15/09 at 7:07am > > Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the > > White House in D.C.; One from Illinois one from > > Tennessee and a third from Kentucky . They all go with a > > White House official to examine the fence. > > The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does > > some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. > > 'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 > > for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.' > > The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and > > figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for ! ! $700: > > $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit > > for me.' > > > > The Illinois contractor doesn't measure or figure, but > > leans over to the White House official and whispers, > > '$2,700.' > > > > The official, incredulous, whispers back, 'You didn't even > > measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such > > a high figure?' > > > > The Illinois contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 > > for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.' > > > > 'Done!' replies the government official. > > > > And that my friends, is how it all works ! ! ! > > > > > > Lyle Lee > > IN GOD WE TRUST |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 01/15/09 at 7:18am A LESSON WELL LEARNED!!!!!!!!!! The old sourdough and the young gunslinger: He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to." A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the young gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun. The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to." The lessons from this story are: 1. Don't waste ammunition. 2. Don't mess with old people. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 01/15/09 at 10:13am Why, Why, Why? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? ___________________________________ Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money? ___________________________________ Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet? ___________________________________ Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? ___________________________________ Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? ___________________________________ Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? ___________________________________ Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? ___________________________________ If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? ___________________________________ Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? ___________________________________ Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? ___________________________________ Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? ___________________________________ Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? ___________________________________ Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? ___________________________________ How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? ___________________________________ When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?' ___________________________________ Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? ___________________________________ In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? ___________________________________ How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? ___________________________________ And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. :D ;D :o 8-) :P |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Chad11 on 01/15/09 at 1:32pm I was wrestling with my 3 boys in the living room the other night. My 4 yr old suggested "hey dad let's arm wrestle". I was laying on my side propped up on my elbow. I stuck my arm out and said OK try and push my arm to the ground. My 7 yr old said "that's easy, I can do it" and proceeded to push down on my hand with both of his. I told him push harder, use all his weight. He could not get it down so he decided he was gonna sit on my hand to use his whole body weight.. When this didn't work my 4 yr old said "I know this is easy"...before I had time to react he ran over and kicked me in the stomach. Got my arm down that's for darn sure. It was too funny to be mad. Never underestimate your kids.lol |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 01/15/09 at 1:39pm Ouch!!!!!, your very lucky it was your stomach instead of your crouch!!!...Don :-/ :o |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 01/15/09 at 6:12pm The Man Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note.. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon Or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour.. Pumpkin i s also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball Or golf. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 01/16/09 at 7:47am A couple of drinking buddies, who were airplane mechanics, were in the hanger in Los Angeles. It was fogged in and they had nothing to do. One said to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that'll kinda give you a buzz." So, Bill and Bob drank jet fuel, get smashed and had a great time. The following morning, Bill woke up and figured his head would probably start pounding as soon as he stood up. But it didn't. He felt good. In fact, he felt great - no hangover! Bill's phone rang, it was Bob. Bob asked, "Hey, how do you feel?" "I feel great!" replied Bill. "I feel great too! You don't have a hangover?" "No. That jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover. We ought to do this more often!" "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "What?" "Did you fart yet?" "No..." "Well, don't, because I'm in New York!" :o :-? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Pearson_79 on 01/16/09 at 7:35pm Children in the back seat cause accidents, Accidents in the back seat cause children! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 01/16/09 at 8:37pm GET YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. A fter the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.' The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.' That's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bigmikes on 01/22/09 at 11:17am Bob decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Bob that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12-year-old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Bob felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity, too. Bob looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married." She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant-size winky." Sandy and Bob got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Bob whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Bob's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Bob ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your winky was the size of an infant!" "Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by motor99 on 01/22/09 at 11:19am ouch, thats gonna leave a mark |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 01/22/09 at 6:35pm A blonde on a bus needed 2 fart. Luckily the music was LOUD, so she just farted. As she was leaving the bus, she realized she was listening 2 her ipod. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by JSD on 01/22/09 at 6:53pm This last joke may also leave a mark! Is she also considered a Mudslinger? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 01/22/09 at 8:07pm JSD wrote on 01/22/09 at 6:53pm:
Well now, I don't know that you could consider that mud, but it would get your attention!! LOL Duane |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 01/25/09 at 10:43am THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!' At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.................... 'Grandpa;....... Go home! You're drunk.' . . |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by whoya on 01/26/09 at 5:03pm The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. 'May I help you sir?" she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied. 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam. 'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one h ad ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'. The man replied, 'Ontario'. 'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.' 'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.' The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain. 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 01/26/09 at 7:00pm WAY FUNNY. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by whoya on 01/26/09 at 8:26pm > Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for > $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. > The next day he drove up and said, Sorry son, but I have > some bad news, the horse died. Chuck replied, 'Well, > then just give me my money back. The farmer said, > 'Can't do that.. I went and spent it already. > Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the horse. The > farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him? Chuck > said, 'I'm going to raffle him off. The farmer > said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse! Chuck > said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell > any body he's dead. A month later, the farmer met up > with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that > horse? Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 > tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of > $998. The farmer said 'Didn't a anyone > complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So > I gave him his two dollars back. . |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 01/28/09 at 6:50am Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to go home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it.* *Caution... They Walk Among Us!* *********** *One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...' where???'* **They Walk among us!!* **** My colleague and I were eating lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.* **They Walk Among Us!!!!* **** My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk...* **They Walk Among Us!!!!!* *** My friends and I were on a Beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... * **They Walk Among Us!!!!!!* *** I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...* **They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! * *** I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...* **They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!* *** While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces." Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!* *Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!* ****************************** Race went fishing, stopped at the bait shop and asked "how much is the bait" the man told him he would give him all he wants for a dollar Race said " give me two dollars worth" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 01/28/09 at 1:38pm THE BLONDE PILOT A blonde went to a helicopter flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan." ;D 8-) ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 01/28/09 at 7:25pm " I’m confused.. how can 2 million blacks get into Washington DC in sub zero temps in 1 day when 200,000 couldn’t get out of New Orleans at 85 degrees with four days notice." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 01/30/09 at 10:31am A North Carolina couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'. The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why after nine children would they choose to do this? The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish. I don't care who you are, that's funny! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 01/30/09 at 12:42pm Baskin Robbins is introducing a new ice cream in honor of the inauguration, "Barocky Road". It's half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by fruits and nuts! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 01/30/09 at 2:07pm This is a little edgy, but told in humor!! Sex in the shower! Hmmmmmmm In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm, 'Brut', people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Detroit's and Chicago's inner city residents (almost all of whom are black and registered Democrats) said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 02/03/09 at 11:04am SNL http://www.youtube.com/v/blwBvrFQy-Y&hl=en&fs=1 "I'm wearing them and I just did" ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 02/03/09 at 12:59pm I went to a hotel the other day, and since I was with my kids, I told the lady at the desk "I hope the porn channel is disabled" She quickly replied, "NO SIR. It's Regular Porn...You Sick Freak!!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 02/04/09 at 6:33pm A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.. 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 02/05/09 at 6:40pm Muslim QB The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 5th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" The Coach said to himself. "He as the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the United States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says." You are not my son! "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 02/09/09 at 6:27pm New use for Windex I haven't checked 'snopes.com' to see if this actually works or not . . . But they say, If you ever get the sudden Urge to run around naked, You should sniff some Windex first. It'll keep you from streaking. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/10/09 at 6:44pm First Lesson: PAY ATTENTION TO DETAIL!!!! First-year students at NC State's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. The professor stated they would need to pay attention at all times to learn. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. Bu t eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 02/10/09 at 7:21pm LOL. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by robbySAWYER on 02/10/09 at 10:09pm so little johny walks in one day from school and he is surprised to walk in on his dad just railing his mom, his dad laughs and little johny runs to his room. his dad feels bad and decided to just let it be, well the next day little johny got out of school a little early, and when his dad walked in the door he saw little johny banging the hell out of his grandma! his dad yelled "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!!!" Little johny replied, "its not so funny when its your mom huh!!!???" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bouncermike on 02/10/09 at 11:21pm to flippin funny!!!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/11/09 at 12:38pm My Daddy Sleeps Naked" "Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!" Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low-down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!" "He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop." "As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his big cold nose in Daddy's crack!" "Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/11/09 at 1:06pm A REDNECK LOVE POEM SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE, SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE. SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL, SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO. PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER. SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL. BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.' YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER. BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO' I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER. BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE; YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY. *************************** (Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/11/09 at 1:07pm Sarah Palin, The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up. For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them. Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wifes and daughters. What a lady! That Sarah is such a good sport and thinks of everything! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bouncermike on 02/11/09 at 2:16pm LMAO! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 02/13/09 at 4:42pm Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida .. Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation. + Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. + Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies. + Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border. Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 02/13/09 at 4:46pm My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year. Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her. The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating. The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured. The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft. She was really lucky.  I don't care who you are, that's funny!!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 02/13/09 at 4:50pm A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $500.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. 'Yes,' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?' 'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs? 'Yes, she smiles and purrs, I sure am. The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Pearson_79 on 02/13/09 at 9:40pm "aoccdrnig to rscheearch at taxes A&M Uinervtisy,it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a problem. tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,but the wrod as a wlohe. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 02/14/09 at 7:26am Pearson_79 wrote on 02/13/09 at 9:40pm:
I have seen this before, way cool how we all can read REDNECK language ,,, LOL |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/14/09 at 8:19am Military Rules Marine Corps Rules: 1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. 2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough. 3. Have a plan. 4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work. 5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet. 6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.' 7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive. 8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral &diagonal referred.) 9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. 10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours. 11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. 12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived. 13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot. Navy SEAL's Rules: 1. Look very cool in sunglasses. 2. Kill every living thing within view. 3. Adjust Speedo. 4. Check hair in mirror. US Army Rangers Rules: 1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving. 2. Locate individuals requiring killing. 3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing. 4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted. 5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving. US Army Rules: 1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order. 2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee. 3. Curse bitterly. 4. Curse bitterly. 5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed. 6. Curse bitterly. US Air Force Rules: 1. Have a cocktail. 2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner. 3. See what's on HBO. 4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?' 5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation. 6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD &defense industry executives. 7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets. 8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally. 9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time. 10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption. US Navy Rules: 1. Go to Sea. 2. Drink Coffee 3. Send in Seal Team 4. Drink Coffee. 5. Deploy Marines (with Seal Team intel.) 6. Pick up Seal Team and Marines after objective is Destroyed 7. Drink Coffee Go Navy ! And the next... (You've got to love the military, and God bless them all.) U.S. Navy Directive 16134 ( Inappropriate T-Shirts ) The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations in the Middle East . (It was obviously directed at the Marines.) To: All Commands Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K All commanders promulgate upon receipt. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East : 1. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions] 2. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.] 3. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy' [Both English and Arabic versions] 4. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.' [Both English and Arabic versions] 5. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.] 6. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [Both Arabic and English versions] 7. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version] 8. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.] The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message: 1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily. 2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?' All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 02/15/09 at 8:33am LOVE THAT LAST LINE,,, A Democrat must be behind this, LOL |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/17/09 at 7:44am DUI test, I can just see this happening, how funny... A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles North of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne, IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my tushy to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/17/09 at 7:45am I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service': Internal Revenue 'Service' U.S. Postal 'Service' Cable 'Service' Civil 'Service' Customer 'Service' Federal, State, County & City Public 'Service' This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us. I hope you are as enlightened as I am. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/17/09 at 8:10am New Stock Market Terms CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER – What my financial planner has made me. STANDARD &POOR – Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use. # # # # # If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It's called the 401-Keg. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 02/17/09 at 6:14pm Have you ever wondered if any of the 1$ bills in your wallet were once in a stripper's butt crack?.......................lol |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/17/09 at 7:49pm Now you have really done it, the only thing I used to worry about was dust from that white stuff people sniff up their noses, now have to worry about other colored or smelly money...Thanks!!!!I will keep my posts now on to just posting jokes, I got sucked into a political frame of mind, and I am not qualified or educated enough to figure out such big problems with our government...Later |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/17/09 at 7:52pm Two Ladies Talking in Heaven *********************** 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my > husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer--- we'd both still be alive. PRICELESS! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/17/09 at 7:55pm Notice: Due to recent budget cuts, high unemployment and the rising costs of food, electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, and the overall state of the union, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/18/09 at 6:17am Ghost Sex A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe In ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start.Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. 'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands. That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said 'Goats!' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/18/09 at 2:45pm A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the State Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper. :D ;D :) ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/19/09 at 11:51am Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an electric fence! We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp Big Wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.. It seems as though the fence charger and the "piece of nuts" lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and "BAM, BAM, BAM" you just crap your pants 3 times; It seemed like there were minutes in between, but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those "piece of nuts" chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just 'kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. darn!, I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest, I think 'Oh God please let me die... pleeeeze let me die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe'in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things. 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4- My left eye will not open. 5- My right eye will not close. 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the Game Room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!) That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow. :o :-? :-/ :'( |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/19/09 at 2:57pm The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him > to the IRS office. > > The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up > with his attorney. > > The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant > lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain > by saying that you win money gambling. > > I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' > > I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says > Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' > > The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go > ahead.' > > Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that > I can bite my own eye.' > > The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a > bet.' > > Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The > auditor's jaw drops. > > Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand > dollars that I can bite my other eye..' > > Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he > takes the bet. > > Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. > The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost > three grand , with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He > starts to get nervous. > > 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks > 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can > stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that > wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop > anywhere in between.' > The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks > carefully and decides there's no way this old guy > could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. > > Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but > although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream > reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much > urinates all over the auditor's desk. > > The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just > turned a major loss into a huge win. > > But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in > his hands. > > 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. > > 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This > morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for > an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he > could come in here and pee all over your desk and that > you'd be happy about it!' > > Don't Mess with Old People!! ;D :D ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/20/09 at 6:00am A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy cow!" thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 02/23/09 at 6:29am A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?' He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.' 'Have you ever been in the military service?' Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.' The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.' Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?' The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.' The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.' The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?' This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 02/23/09 at 11:48pm Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 02/24/09 at 7:01pm History 101 (Crash course) For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version: Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals, and 2. Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as theConservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history: |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 02/24/09 at 10:57pm John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.' 'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.' She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.' __________________ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/25/09 at 6:31am A very successful personal injury attorney parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off his driver's door. Fortunately, an officer in a police car was close enough to see it happen and pulled up behind the accident, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming about how his Porsche, which just came out of the showroom yesterday, was now completely ruined and would never be the same. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in your life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck sideswiped you!!!" 'HOLY CRAP !" screamed the lawyer... "MY ROLEX!" = |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/25/09 at 8:02am Filled Firewood. 'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hiding' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiding' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house . They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust o pen every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yep!' 'Happy Birthday, buddy!' (Rednecks know how to get-R-dun) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/25/09 at 9:52am DARWIN AWARDS You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so without further ado; following are the 2008 Darwin awards: Eighth Place In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. Seventh Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. Sixth Place While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. Fourth Place Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. Third Place After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt. HONORABLE MENTION Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2:00 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed. RUNNER UP Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope; Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located. AND THE WINNER IS.... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Poop happens'!!!! *IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL...* |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 02/25/09 at 5:16pm A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.' He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?' The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/26/09 at 11:02am Two magazines: Country Living (95.99% white readership) and Ebony/Jet (99.99% black readership) did surveys on ..... 'WHAT DO PEOPLE FEAR MOST?' The results were interesting, to say the least.. Country Living magazine's top three answers were: 1. Nuclear war/terrorist attack in U.S. 2. Child/spouse dying/terminal illness. 3. Terminal illness/self. Ebony/Jet magazine's top three answers were: 1. Ghosts 2. Dogs 3. Registered mail No Kidding! AND TO GO WITH THIS ONE: TWO QUOTES: ONE PITIFUL, ONE GOOD 'My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it.' -- Barack Obama ''Life's tough......it's even tougher if you're stupid.'' -- John Wayne Ya gotta admit, John Wayne is absolutely correct! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/26/09 at 12:01pm Two trees and a woodpecker Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked with my pecker.' :D ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/27/09 at 1:13pm THE BOTTLE OF WINE For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine: Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade'..... >:( :( :-? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by chevcamarolvr on 02/27/09 at 9:01pm Polish Divorce A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl..Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean. What are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland .. Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/28/09 at 7:23pm My 75 year-old friend in North Carolina forwarded this to me! Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99 Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99 Titanic:..... Over 7 hours to read Clinton :.... Over 7 hours to read Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist. Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill. Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica. Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton :..... Let's not go there. Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton :.... Monica's forced to return her gifts. Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack. Ti tanic:... . Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there either. Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing :o :-/ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by chevcamarolvr on 03/01/09 at 6:41pm Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter, I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila ****************************** Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps, Walter |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/02/09 at 8:46am Nymphomania Convention A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. " He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well," she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me - Bubba." :D ;D :P :) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by sw CO dirtfan on 03/02/09 at 2:04pm A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large Plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once In a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 Bills falling out of your bag. " "Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and See if I can find them. Thanks for telling me. " "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that Money? "You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right Next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans Come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand Behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his Thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'. "Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the Way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", "not everybody pays". :o |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by txlmfan on 03/02/09 at 3:11pm A good Monday morning laugh, which we probably could all use. After I retired , my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring so I had to amuse myself in some way while my wife did what most women like to do - browse at a leisurely pace. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart: Dear Mrs. Dunnigan, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Dunnigan are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away. ' 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used I t as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humm ing the 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' And last, but not least . 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by NAIL IT. on 03/02/09 at 3:14pm Woolie Wrote: Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. I think this actually happened in Lompoc at the old Winston valley Peddler (Schwinn bicycles) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 03/03/09 at 12:31am > Camel Sex > > A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a > remote post in the Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of > the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent. > > He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. > > The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, > there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel.' > > The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone > this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can > stay.' > > About a month later, the Captain starts having his own > 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the > camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. > When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how > the men do it?' 'No, not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/03/09 at 7:12am PARENT - Job Description This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!! POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone=2 0calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS : Whi le no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right. Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do... or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job. AND A FOOTNOTE... 'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bluebyu on 03/03/09 at 7:59am Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' And then the fight started ... |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 03/03/09 at 10:35am The absolute best Little Johnnie joke Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?' 'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.' 'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f ' d if he needed glasses'. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 03/03/09 at 12:13pm LMAO |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by slidinbmw on 03/03/09 at 1:05pm Last week a baby boy was born. The doctor rushed the baby to the O.R. This poor boy was born with no eye lids. A skin graft had to be performed quickly to save the childs vision. The child was going to be circumsizesd anyway so they used the forskin for the graft. The child had to stay at the hospital an additional two weeks to recover. When the mother was finally able to take the child home, the doctors said he should recover fully, but there was a strong chance that for the rest of his life he would be a little cockeyed. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 03/03/09 at 4:47pm A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his Priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The Priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The Priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The Priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Confession #2 There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The Priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The Priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The Priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Confession #3 An elderly man walks into a confessional.The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old .. I'm telling everybody." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Muldoon's Dog Has Died...... Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish Priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ye' be sayin' a Mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ye' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ye' tell me the dog was Catholic?' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 03/03/09 at 6:16pm If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day !! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 03/03/09 at 6:31pm LMAOOOO,, I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB,,, |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 03/03/09 at 6:53pm Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style." > The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to confiscate your guns." The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 03/04/09 at 8:28am hahahahahahahahaha........you forgot one....." Lone Star Beer Sucks".......lol |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/04/09 at 10:34am DADDY, HOW WAS I BORN?? A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll down...You'll love this.. 'You got Male!' ;D :) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/05/09 at 7:26am THE IRISH PROSTITUTE An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put ye old Mother thru?' The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff. Dad, I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate, for me little brother, this gold Rolex, and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera. 'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.' Oh Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug. :D ;D ::) :P |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/05/09 at 7:29am YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF: 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean." 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against. 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one. 10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/05/09 at 2:49pm Medical Advice A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. "Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do," said the woman. "Does it hurt you?" he asked. "No. I rather like it," she responded. "Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think lawyers and politicians come from? The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others! Thomas Jefferson. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/05/09 at 7:49pm TODAY'S SERMON An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects. 1. A bible. 2. A silver dollar. 3. A bottle of whisky. 4. And a Playboy magazine. 'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks u p the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.' The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold. 'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 'He's gonna run for Congress. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bluebyu on 03/05/09 at 8:16pm Scientists have discovered that all women will, at some point, contain intelligent DNA. Unfortunately 95% of them spit it out. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/06/09 at 6:21am Our Press Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets. Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.' The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.' Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the song. The Moon and Me, one last time.' The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied. Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.' The leader turned and said, 'and now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish? 'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine. 'What?' asked the leader, 'will you mock us in your last hour?' 'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him, 'why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?' 'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor? Semper Fi |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 03/06/09 at 7:01pm Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender roles in Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that the women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines." MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day/SPAM POSTER Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/09/09 at 4:31pm JUST WANTED ALL TO KNOW THAT I TRIED TO POST A JOKE THIS MORNING AND GOT A BIG RED FLAG WARNING THAT I WAS A SPAM POSTER, AND TO STOP OR I WOULD BE BANNED FROM THIS WEB SITE. GUESS I HAVE POSTED TOO MANY IN THE PAST, SO THANKS ITS BEEN FUN, AND I WILL NO LONGER POST ON THIS WEB PAGE...GUESS THE ADMINISTRATOR HAS DETERMINED THAT MY STUFF IS SPAM, OR THE MODERATOR OR SOMEBODY...THANKS..DON :( |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 03/09/09 at 6:39pm Thats crazy !!, must be some kind of mistake? Ask dave DSC if he can get to the bottom of this, I like reading your stuff so I hope they made a mistake. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/11/09 at 8:41pm Dont shoot the messenger!!!!! A Mexican, a Black, & a Texas Redneck were walking together on a beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared. "I can only grant 3 wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are 3 of you, you may have a wish a piece." Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish." The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa ." Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline. The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my people back to our homeland, May-he-co!" Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet Pickups appeared on the beach. Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?" The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea & watched the loaded ships sailing off into the sunset and said: "Just give me a Bud Light. It doesn't get any better than this!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/13/09 at 7:13am A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. 'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.' 'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is that we're all together today.' Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.' 'It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.' Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.' After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.' The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're bastards?' 'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones too.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/18/09 at 4:48pm The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Ehud Olmert, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Olmert wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked. "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Olmert as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I've ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, and my putting was absolutely perfect.With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "And there's bad news?", the Pope asked. "Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes." :) :o ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/18/09 at 8:21pm The economy is so bad: Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear. The economy is so bad: CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes. Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup. PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings McDonalds is selling the 1/4- ouncer. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico . The most highly-paid job is now jury duty. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?" Motel Six wont leave the light on. The Mafia is laying off judges. :( :o :-? :-[ :-/ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 03/18/09 at 9:36pm  
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/19/09 at 8:07am A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.. Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ... Now give me back my dog. ;D :D ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 03/19/09 at 8:20pm LMAO |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/20/09 at 6:43pm HOT OFF THE SPORTS DESK AFTER QUALIFYING.... Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President-elect Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment , whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme , altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr . for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower. :D ;D ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by NAIL IT WHOYA. on 03/20/09 at 7:18pm LMAO! I knew Junior would find a way to get Jeff Gordon's equipment! Ha Ha! Thank's Woolie! Will look you up this year in turn 1! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bouncermike on 03/23/09 at 9:25pm IF GIRLS WITH BIG BOOBS WORK AT HOOTERS DOES THAT MEAN THAT GIRLS WITH ONE LEG WORK AT IHOP??? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 03/25/09 at 3:01pm Skinny Dipping An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.' Moral: Old men can still think fast. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/25/09 at 4:43pm The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning and told OBAMA that two Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears. Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?' This is especially enlightening since he obviously has no understanding of a billion or trillion either. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by tmfab1 on 03/26/09 at 6:51pm As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? She replied, No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/27/09 at 7:08pm Irish Joke Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .' The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!' The first one says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'? The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.' The first one responds, 'So, am I. Sure and what street did you live on in Dublin ?' The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.' The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?' The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.' The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?' The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964. The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!' About this time, A friend, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters,'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Vicky asks, ' Why do you say that, Brian?' Brian answers, 'The McLaughlin twins are drunk again.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 03/27/09 at 11:05pm Do you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated? Tip o'the hat to Patrick. This was written on a hand held sign at the Tea Party in Columbia MO. Nancy and Barack, sittin' in a tree, P-O-R-K-I-N-G. Even though Obama is letting all the terrorists go free, he plans to keep the Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp active by filling it with AIG executives. T Barack Hussein Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, where did you get that?" The parrot says, "Kenya." . The new Obama quarters had to be recalled. The ears kept getting stuck in vending machines. Now that Barack Obama is running the country, stock brokers are being replaced with pawn brokers. Thanks to Barack Obama's "recovery" plan, Americans workers have been sleeping like babies. They wake up every couple of hours and cry. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 03/28/09 at 7:31am It was Postman Dave's last day on the job after 35 years of carryingthe mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted bythe whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him onhis way with a gift check for $500.At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18- carat goldbox.The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whiskey.At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blewhis mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him agiant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage, toast, and freshly-squeezedorange juice....When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee..As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 bill sticking out from under the cup'sbottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words, "he said, "butwhat's the five dollars for?""Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband thattoday would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.I asked him what to give you".He said, "Screw him. Give him five bucks."She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 03/28/09 at 1:05pm It’s all about political correctness…………. Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN.' 2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.' 3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.' 4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.' 5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.' 6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.' HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.' 2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.' 3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.' 4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.' 5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL A** ' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 03/29/09 at 1:02pm Two Woodpeckers.......... A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by TCS on 03/29/09 at 1:15pm How Many Msg Board Posters Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulbs could have been changed differently. Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. Five to flame the spell checkers. Three to correct spelling/grammar flames. Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"... Another six to condemn those six as stupid. Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling. Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum. Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the postings are relevant to this group. Thirty Six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs works best for which technique and what brands are faulty. Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs. Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL. Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group, therefore making light bulbs relevant to this group. Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me Too!". Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs". Three to tell a funny story about their kids and a light bulb. AND One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again. :D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/29/09 at 3:25pm JIM AND EDNA Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How soon can I go home?" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 03/29/09 at 7:26pm Magic Sandals, A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/30/09 at 7:51am A French doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take kidneys out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.' A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks. The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.' An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois; put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.' ;D :D :P |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 03/30/09 at 8:05am LMAOOO,,,WAY TO GO !!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 03/30/09 at 3:56pm  A Man and his ever nagging wife went on a vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5000 or bury her here in the Holy Land for $150. The man thought about it and then he said he would just have her sent home. The undertaker then asked "Why would you spend $5000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and it would only cost you $150?" The man replied "Long ago a man died here,was buried here,and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance" ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Thanks Woolie!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 03/31/09 at 8:55am A midget from Texas had testicles which hurt and > ached almost all > > > > the time. The midget went to the doctor and > told him about his > > > > problem. > > > >The doctor told him to drop his pants and he > would have a look. > > > > The midget dropped his pants. The doctor > stood him up on the > > > > > examining table, and started to examine > him. > > > > The doctor put one finger under his left > testicle > > > > and told the midget to turn his head and > cough, the usual > > > > method to check for a hernia. > > > > "Uhuh!" mumbled the doctor, and as > he put his > > > > finger under the right testicle, he asked > the midget to cough again. > > > > "Aha!" said the doctor once more, > and reached for his surgical > scissors. > > > > Snip-snip-snip-snip snip-snip-snip on the > right side. > > > > Then snip-snip-snip-snip snip-snipon the > left side. The > > > > midget was so scared he was afraid to look, > but noted with amazement > > > > that the snipping did not hurt. > > > > The doctor told the midget to walk around > the examining room to see > > > > > if his testicles still hurt. The midget > was absolutely delighted as > he > > > > walked around and discovered his boys were > no longer aching. > > > > The doctor asked, "How does that feel > now?" > > > > The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I > didn't even feel it. What did > you > > > do?" > > > > The doctor replied "I cut two inches > off the top of your cowboy boots. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/31/09 at 10:14am : Forrest Gump, fisherman. Forrest wanted to go ice fishing. He'd seen many books on the subject and finally getting all the necessary tools together, he headed for the ice. After positioning his comfy footstool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled, Forrest moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of coffee, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Forrest, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. He set up his stool once more and tried again to cut a hole.. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." He stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK." :D ;D :o ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by csmith3d on 03/31/09 at 8:14pm TCS wrote on 03/29/09 at 1:15pm:
You forgot to add that 4 will say that their lightbulb or light bulb cost too much for the light that it emits!!!!!!!! Chris |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 04/01/09 at 8:14am These fit so well they should be in a dictionary. ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. And MY Personal Favorite!! WRINKLES: Something other people have, Similar to my character Lines.. :D ;D :o ::) :P |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 04/01/09 at 6:35pm DOCTOR LESTER'S CURE FOR CONSTIPATION If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur: "My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore" If that doesn't scare the nuts out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life. :) :D ;D :o ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 04/02/09 at 11:24am TCS wrote on 03/29/09 at 1:15pm:
darn That a good one!!! Almost to true to be funny. LOL |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 04/02/09 at 11:25am These are cute even if your not a grandparent... Being a Grandparent... 1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!' I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye!! 2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?' 3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?' 4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!' 5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike?'' You're both old,' he replied. 6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read. 7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!' 8. When my grandson Melvin and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.' 9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'Mine says I'm four to six.' 10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? ''It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.' 11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.' 12. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'He's just for good luck ..' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants!' Thanks Woolie!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 04/02/09 at 6:51pm It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to the many US presidents. When interviewed the gardener protested the loss of his job, and said "All I know is I was walking past the Oval Office and I asked, "Has anyone seen the Spade or the Hoe?" The next thing I knew I was fired." ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 04/04/09 at 11:56am A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says. A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'nuts!', the Rottweiler ate her! The teacher had to leave the room. ;D :D :) ;) :o ::) :P |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 04/04/09 at 9:56pm In South Los Angeles , a 4 plex was destroyed by a fire. A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. 6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died. A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire. Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA, met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived..? The fire chief said, "They were both at work. :D ;D :-? ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 04/05/09 at 9:53pm THIS ONE'S FOR ALL YOU RELIGIOUS TYPES ON HERE>>>> OFFENSE NOT INTENDED>>>>>Kevin > This is one of the best clean jokes I've seen in > awhile! > > > > > Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who > was better on the computer. They had been going at it for > days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the > bickering. > > > > > Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had > enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two > hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the > better job.' > > > > > So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed > away. > > > > > They moused. > > > > > They faxed. > > > > > They e-mailed. > > > > > They e-mailed with attachments. > > > > > They downloaded. > > > > > They did spreadsheets! > > > > > They wrote reports. > > > > > They created labels and cards. > > > > > They created charts and graphs. > > > > > They did some genealogy reports . > > > > > They did every job known to man. > > > > > Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster > than hell. > > > > > Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning > suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain > poured, and, of course, the power went off. > > > > > Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse > word known in the underworld. > > > > > Jesus just sighed. > > > > > Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them > restarted their computers. Satan started searching > frantically, screaming: > > > > > 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost > everything when the power went out!' > > > > Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his > files from the past two hours of work. > > > > Satan observed this and became irate. > > > > 'Wait!' he screamed.. 'That's not fair! He > cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have > any?' > > > > God just shrugged and said, > > > > > > > > > > JESUS SAVES.... |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 04/06/09 at 7:10pm Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir." The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi." The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Excellent trade, sir." :D ;D :o 8-) ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 04/06/09 at 9:48pm Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 04/07/09 at 8:22am Dear President Obama, Thank you for helping my neighbors with their mortgage payments. You know, the ones down the street who, in the good times, refinanced their house several times and bought SUV's, ATV's, RV"s, a pool, a big screen TV, two Wave Runners and a Harley. I was wondering, since I am paying my mortgage and theirs, could you arrange for me to borrow the Harley now and then? P.S. They also need help with their credit cards; when do you want me to start making those payments? P.P.S. I almost forgot - they didn't file their income tax return this year. Should I go ahead and file for them or will you be appointing them to cabinet posts? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 04/08/09 at 11:00am LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST. A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie.. 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.' 'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.' 'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!' The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. 'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.' ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. 'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?' 'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.' ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. 'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!' After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.' *** POOF*** He was turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached. :) >:( :( :o 8-) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 04/10/09 at 8:59am Hump day truth with a humorous spin....... 1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing w ith you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the m eaning of nothing.) 6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. 8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying SCREW YOU! 9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to #3. Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know its true. ;D >:( :o ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 04/12/09 at 8:13pm A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, are they all yours? Yep they are all Mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats. Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's' names.' 'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy. In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?' Their momma replied, 'Well, yes it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a running. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' 'Then I call them by their last names. ' :) :o ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 04/14/09 at 5:00pm PLEASE ANY LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS, DONT COME AFTER ME I RESPECT YOU ALL FOR WHAT YOU DO...Don While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late f or work." Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a--hole ? " he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." Traffic Ticket - $95.00 Court Costs - ;$45.00 Look on the Cop's Face................PRICELESS |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Pearson_79 on 04/15/09 at 9:51pm Nice one! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 04/15/09 at 11:12pm What do you call a lawyer that sky dives? Skeet ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 04/16/09 at 10:11am DO YOU FART IN BED? THIS IS ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS , NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PAR TS , AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.' BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK :o :-? :-X |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 04/17/09 at 11:10am A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents ask 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today..' 'With what money?,' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost. 'Well,' said the boy, 'my money...I only paid fifteen dollars.' So this really got the parents attention... 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said. 'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche....I said I only had 20 something dollars....she said it's yours for fifteen dollars.' 'Oh my Goodness!' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself and said his son just told him that she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche to him for fifteen dollars and ask ask if this was true & if so he wanted to know why she did it. 'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I had thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he was really in Hawaii with his mistress. He claimed he was stranded, had lost his wallet and needed cash immediately to clear up the situation he found himself in, that he would explain everything later and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. ' SO I DID' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 04/17/09 at 1:28pm I Can't believe I am about to post a cat video.....But this you gotta see. completely safe for work. http://www.break.com/index/dissapointed-cat-loses-pigeon.html |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Blasticus on 04/18/09 at 7:01am A blond is speeding down the road in her red sports car when she is pulled over by a blond policewoman. The cop asks to see her license. She digs through her handbag, getting more and more agitated. "What does it look like" she asks dimly. "It's rectangular and has your picture on it" explains the policewoman. The blond finally pulls out a rectangular mirror, looks at it and hands it to the policewoman. "Here it is" she says. The blond policewoman looks at the mirror, then hands it back and says, "Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were a cop. :-? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 04/19/09 at 9:15am When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 04/21/09 at 8:33am POLITICALLY INCORRECT? April 14, 2009 An example to British politicians and the judiciary alike. T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience. HIS STATEMENT: "If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say: Red is positive, Black is negative, and Make sure his nuts are wet'. :o :-? ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 04/21/09 at 10:06am Wooliebuger1 wrote on 04/21/09 at 8:33am:
I didn't know Sherriff Joe was Austrailian?? Maybe a cousin or something huh? Speakin of 'cuzzes.... Check out this new BBQ Joint. http://www.break.com/index/jones-good-ass-bbq-and-foot-massage.html The other one is comedy also... http://www.break.com/index/big-man-has-big-truck-rental.html |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bouncermike on 04/21/09 at 2:14pm When Ralph first noticed that his thingy was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his thingy had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife, "you're going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bouncermike on 04/21/09 at 2:15pm An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. > > He had a large pond in the back. > > It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic > tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees. > > One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't > been there for a while, and look it over. > > He grabbed a five- gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. > > As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. > > As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in > his pond. > > He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. > > One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' > > The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim > naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' > > Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.' > > Some old men can still think fast. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bouncermike on 04/21/09 at 2:15pm A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price - - - - the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.' She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it !' He never heard the shot.. Funeral on Thursday at Noon . Closed coffin |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bouncermike on 04/21/09 at 2:19pm U.S.Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist - I can't believe it!!!!! The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea . In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody. The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy. 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Blasticus on 04/22/09 at 3:35pm Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.' Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 04/22/09 at 4:22pm OBAMA But some how I just can't laugh. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by txlmfan on 04/22/09 at 6:39pm DUANE THAT IS REALLY FUNNY, TOO BAD IT'S NOT A JOKE. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 04/22/09 at 7:51pm Could it be that we are all having the same nightmare? LOL |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 04/22/09 at 11:48pm The Pastor's Ass The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline Read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is....... Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery & even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and You'll be a lot happier and live longer |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 04/23/09 at 11:15am Pilot's pre-launch brief off the carrier to his passenger in a 2-place jet: "If anything goes wrong off the cat, I'll say 'Eject Eject Eject'. If you say 'Huh?', you'll be talking to yourself." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 04/23/09 at 12:52pm Grandma's letter She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ' For the love of God! ' ' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back . My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Blasticus on 04/23/09 at 1:05pm lol formercrewguy...I always embrace that Hawiian gesture. Makes me feel great knowing I'm #1 :D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 04/23/09 at 2:47pm I am sitting here with tears in my eyes from laughing so hard...!!!!..Out here we have those that work the fields at oh dark thirty in the A.M. and driving in the fast lane at 40MPH. I too sometimes say some very bad words taking the Lords Name in Vain. But when you come up on someone doing 40MPH in the fast 65MPH fast lane, in the fog at times, it makes for a very quick eye opening experience and checks out your heart and maye even leaves some racing strips in your shorts, sir mam/sir that is another good experience...don |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 04/23/09 at 7:32pm Here Woolie, This ones for you. one hot summer day, a blond came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree?' The blond said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat', the officer said. The blond replied, 'No way. She's cool cause she's tied up under that shade tree.' The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' said the blond, 'my dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry cause I fed her this morning.' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!' (Your gotta love this) The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead...I always wanted a police dog.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 04/23/09 at 10:46pm 1 The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head." 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass." 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet." 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 21. A backward poet writes inverse. 22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects! __________________ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 04/24/09 at 11:11am T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 04/24/09 at 11:40am Weenie Test Three third graders from Tennessee, an Irish kid, an Italian kid, and a Black kid are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.' He says, 'Okay.' They all agree. The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. 'That's nothing,' says the Italian kid.. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer. Not to be out done, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest. That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. 'Oh, we worked on a science project , had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.' 'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother. 'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true? 'No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen and still in the third grade. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 04/24/09 at 2:26pm LMAO,,I really didn't see that coming, dang funny. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 04/24/09 at 7:10pm As a husband and wife are out eating the husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, ' How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence !! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 04/28/09 at 9:37am http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WM5us4g9Y6Y LOLOLOL THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 05/01/09 at 8:03am I called my stockbroker today and asked, "what are you buying?" His answer: canned goods and ammunition Hummmmm - maybe this is a joke, and maybe it's NOT !!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/01/09 at 1:11pm CATHOLIC HORSES One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'. The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.' ;D :-? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Blasticus on 05/01/09 at 1:20pm A Swede, an Irishman, and a Scotsman decided to take their wives golfing with them one windy afternoon. The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.' Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!' Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 05/01/09 at 11:15pm S.W.I.N.E. Flu Stupid ??whiteboys?? Infecting Nearly Everyone change the White Boys and you got a funny arse joke!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bouncermike on 05/01/09 at 11:25pm could it be hmmmmmmm WETBACKS????? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 05/02/09 at 11:26am LOL, He Said it......... |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/04/09 at 7:49am You might be a Taliban if... 1. You raise Poppies and refine heroin for large amounts of money, but you have a moral objection to alcohol. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher and thousands of rounds of ammo, but you can't afford shoes. 3. You have way more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider pork "unclean." 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against. 7. You consider Western television dangerous, but routinely keep explosives in your house, your car and in your clothing. 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two. 10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/04/09 at 9:22am PONDERISMS . I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. . Life is sexually transmitted. . Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. . If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? . The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. . Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. . Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? . Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. . All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. . In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. . How is it one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? . Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?' . If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? . Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look at you naked anyway? . If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? . Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? . Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? . Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? . Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?= :o :-/ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 05/04/09 at 10:54am Don those Ponderisms are PERFECT!!! LMAO. Thanks Man. If you haven't done so check out Mitch Hedberg. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPu8453j1m8&feature=related (From the Late Show) It's 100% different if you listen to the audio only. Great Listen on trips with the kids. Just learn where to turn him down. Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!" You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once." I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me." XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?" When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That's not fair. That's like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I'm a really good cook, they'd say, "OK, you're a cook. Can you farm?" http://www.funny2.com/hedberg.htm http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-zFQ9fOTSU&feature=related |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/05/09 at 9:06pm Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends >> all of their lives. >> > >> > >> > When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited >> her every day. >> > One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing >> women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. >> Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven somehow you must let me >> know if there's women's soft-ball there.' >> > >> > >> > Rose looked up at Barb from her death bed and said, >> 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. >> If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' >> > >> > Shortly after that, Rose passed on. >> > >> > At midnight the following Friday, Barb was awakened >> from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice >> calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.' >> > >> > 'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. >> 'Who is it?' >> > >> > 'Barb -- it's me, Rose.' >> > >> > >> > >> > 'You're not Rose. Rose just died.' >> > >> > >> > >> > 'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' >> insisted the voice. >> > >> > 'Rose! Where are you?' >> > >> > >> > >> > 'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some >> really good news and a little bad news.' >> > >> > >> > >> > 'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb. >> > >> > The good news,' Rose said, 'is that >> there's softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who >> died before us, are here too. Better than that, we're all young >> again. >> > >> > Better still, it's always springtime, and it never >> rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, >> and we never get tired.' >> > >> > 'That's fantastic,' said Barb. >> 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news' >> > >> > >> > 'You're pitching Tuesday.' >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > Life is short... >> > So remember to live well & laugh often! ;D ;) :) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/06/09 at 9:51am The Economy is so bad................. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Jewish women are marrying for love. Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes. Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?" Motel Six won't leave the light on. The Mafia is laying off judges. And finally... Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, neat...the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 05/06/09 at 10:54am Paddy's fingers Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'. Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.' 'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?' And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 05/06/09 at 2:28pm Conservatives in victorville found a Liberal Tied to a tree, 6 bullets in his head and set on fire. Sherriff says it's the worst suicide he's ever seen. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 05/06/09 at 3:48pm formercrewguy wrote on 05/06/09 at 10:54am:
LMAO |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Ian on 05/07/09 at 11:02pm What do Kennedy and Obama have in common? ...nothin' yet.... ;D :o :-? ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 05/10/09 at 7:02pm Years of Math 1957 - 2009 Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s: 1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ? 2. Teaching Math In 1960s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Math In 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? ! 4. Teaching Math In 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. ) 6. Teaching Math In 2009 Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/10/09 at 9:38pm Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, 'You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico.' Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, 'What happened? Was the cord too long?' Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, 'No, the Bungee cord was fine ... it was the crowd! ... What the HELL is a pinata?! :) ;) :D ;D :o ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 05/11/09 at 4:39pm I found this paragraph in a real article about galaxies. I guess they have found a couple galaxies that orbit our own, which in turn sort of "negates" some of Newton's work. Anyway read this I thought it was funny. Quote:
http://www.dailygalaxy.com/my_weblog/2009/05/dwarf-galaxies-orbiting-the-milky-way-nix-newton.html |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 05/11/09 at 7:00pm A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were Ecstatic. When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 05/11/09 at 7:26pm LOL,, |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 05/11/09 at 9:01pm 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Ian on 05/13/09 at 6:40pm A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?” The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.” The bartender says, “What do you have?” The guy says, “75 cents.” |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Ian on 05/13/09 at 6:43pm A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter. Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Ian on 05/13/09 at 6:45pm My 80 year old neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her. "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 05/14/09 at 11:10am  West Virginia Tractor Pull |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 05/14/09 at 12:27pm DOCTORS (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000. (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. Statistics courtesy of U.S.. Dept of Health and Human Services. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Now think about this: Guns (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million) (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188. Statistics courtesy of FBI >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do..' >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/18/09 at 7:57am [pre][/pre] 1. *_My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE _*. 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.' 2. *_My mother taught me RELIGION _*. 'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.' 3. *_My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL _*. 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!' 4. *_My mother taught me LOGIC _*. ' Because I said so, that's why.' 5. *_My mother taught me MORE LOGIC _*.. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.' 6. *_My mother taught me FORESIGHT _*. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.' 7. *_My mother taught me IRONY _* 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.' 8. *_My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS _*. 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.' 9. *_My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM _*. 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!' 10. *_My mother taught me about STAMINA _*. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.' 11. *_My mother taught me about WEATHER _*. 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.' 12. *_My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY _*. 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!' 13. *_My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE _*. 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.' 14. *_My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION _*. 'Stop acting like your father!' 15. *_M y mother taught me about ENVY _*. 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.' 16. *_My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION _*. 'Just wait until we get home.' 17. *_My mother taught me about RECEIVING _*. 'You are going to get it when you get home!' 18. *_My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE _*. 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.' 19. *_My mother taught me ESP _*. 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?' 20. *_My mother taught me HUMOR_**_ _*. 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.' 21. *_My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT _*. 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.' 22. *_My mother taught me GENETICS. _* 'You're just like your father.' 23. *_My mother taught me about my ROOTS _*. 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?' 24. *_My mother taught me WISDOM _*. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.' 25. And my favorite: *_My mother taught me about JUSTICE _* 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/18/09 at 9:24am THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks,in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, pregnant dog |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 05/18/09 at 12:43pm ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^LMAO!!!!!!!!!!  THANKS WOOLIE!!!!!!!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 05/18/09 at 8:30pm LOVE IT,,,ITS GOOD TO RESPECT YOUR NEIGHBORS WISH'S,,,LMAO |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/19/09 at 10:36am Proper Grammar On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition! ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!! :D ;D :o :-/ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 05/20/09 at 11:28pm Fox News cowers to President Obama!!! In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show Enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced That they will now air " America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by tmfab1 on 05/22/09 at 5:50pm definition of indecent if its in long if its in hard if its in deep ITS INDECENT |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/25/09 at 11:14am An Old Farmer's Advice: * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. * You cannot unsay a cruel word. * Every path has a few puddles. * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway. * Don't judge folks by their relatives. * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. * Always drink upstream from the herd. * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Andrew on 05/25/09 at 11:46am Sounds like my grandpa, not a smart man by this worlds standards, just an old farmer, but a very wise man indeed. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/25/09 at 2:30pm Manure... An interesting fact Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship, and it was also before commercial fertilizers Were invented, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term " S.H.I.T " (Ship High In Transport), which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by ignitor on 05/25/09 at 4:04pm the golf term i use most is "fourrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" ;) ;D :o ::) :P |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/26/09 at 1:35pm IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH A PROSTITUTE AGAINST HER WILL, IS IT CONSIDERED RAPE OR SHOPLIFTING? ________________________________________ CAN YOU CRY UNDER WATER? ________________________________________ HOW IMPORTANT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED ASSASSINATED INSTEAD OF JUST MURDERED? ________________________________________ WHY DO YOU HAVE TO "PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN"... BUT IT'S ONLY A "PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS"? WHERE'S THAT EXTRA PENNY GOING TO? ________________________________________ ONCE YOU'RE IN HEAVEN, DO YOU GET STUCK WEARING THE CLOTHES YOU WERE BURIED IN FOR ETERNITY? ________________________________________ WHY DOES A ROUND PIZZA COME IN A SQUARE BOX? ________________________________________ WHAT DISEASE DID CURED HAM ACTUALLY HAVE? ________________________________________ HOW IS IT THAT WE PUT MAN ON THE MOON BEFORE WE FIGURED OUT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO PUT WHEELS ON LUGGAGE? ________________________________________ WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE SAY THEY "SLEPT LIKE A BABY" WHEN BABIES WAKE UP LIKE EVERY TWO HOURS? ________________________________________ WHY ARE YOU IN A MOVIE, BUT YOU'RE ON TV? ________________________________________ Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? ________________________________________ WHY DO DOCTORS LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE YOU CHANGE? THEY'RE GOING TO SEE YOU NAKED ANYWAY. ________________________________________ WHY IS "BRA" SINGULAR AND "PANTIES" PLURAL? ________________________________________ WHY DO TOASTERS ALWAYS HAVE A SETTING THAT BURNS THE TOAST TO A HORRIBLE CRISP, WHICH NO DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD EAT? ________________________________________ IF JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND NO ONE CARES, WHY IS THERE A STUPID SONG ABOUT HIM? ________________________________________ CAN A HEARSE CARRYING A CORPSE DRIVE IN THE CARPOOL LANE ? ________________________________________ IF THE PROFESSOR ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND CAN MAKE A RADIO OUT OF A COCONUT, WHY CAN'T HE FIX A HOLE IN A BOAT? ________________________________________ WHY DOES GOOFY STAND ERECT WHILE PLUTO REMAINS ON ALL FOURS? THEY'RE BOTH DOGS! ________________________________________ IF WILE E. COYOTE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY ALL THAT ACME CRAP, WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BUY DINNER? ________________________________________ IF CORN OIL IS MADE FROM CORN, AND VEGETABLE OIL IS MADE FROM VEGETABLES, WHAT IS BABY OIL MADE FROM? ________________________________________ IF ELECTRICITY COMES FROM ELECTRONS, DOES MORALITY COME FROM MORONS? ________________________________________ DO THE ALPHABET SONG AND TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR HAVE THE SAME TUNE? ________________________________________ WHY DID YOU JUST TRY SINGING THE TWO SONGS ABOVE? ________________________________________ WHY DO THEY CALL IT AN AS-TEROID WHEN IT'S OUTSIDE THE HE-MISPHERE, BUT CALL IT A HE-MORRHOID WHEN IT'S IN YOUR BUTT? ________________________________________ Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? ________________________________________ Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/26/09 at 1:40pm From the American Association Of Retired People Questions and Answers from AARP Forum Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction. Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live. Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible.. Is that true? Where can it be found? A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..." Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband? A: Tell him you're pregnant. Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? A: Take off your glasses. Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out. Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores? A: "Gosh, I remember these!" SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by txlmfan on 05/26/09 at 5:28pm ENEMIES All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady! > Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have > forgiven your enemies?' > 80% held up their hands. > The Minister then repeated his question. > All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. > 'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?' > I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly. > 'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?' > 'Ninety-eight.' she replied. > 'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a > person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?' > The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, > faced the congregation, and said: > > 'I outlived the bitches.' > > > |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/28/09 at 9:37am Top This One for A Speeding Ticket Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location. Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style: Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on toyour hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down. Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position. The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster. Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/28/09 at 4:53pm In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter inthe world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg..' The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the cowboy, 'Got anymore tips for me?' 'Yep,' said the old man, 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.' The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' said the cowboy, 'I'm learnin' somethin' here - got anymore tips?' The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'No,' said the old timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up you're ass, and it won't hurt as much. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/30/09 at 7:43am Female Compassion A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been screwed?' The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.' She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.' :-[ :-X |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 06/01/09 at 11:52am To Be 6 Again.... A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster , everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her aHappy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dork!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong. MEN WILL NEVER BE RIGHT...JMOO...Don |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 06/01/09 at 2:09pm Why don't blind people skydive? Scares the he!! out of the dog. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 06/01/09 at 5:54pm http://www.popeater.com/movies/article/bruno-and-eminem-mtv-movie-awards/505321?icid=main|htmlws-main|dl7|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.popeater.com%2Fmovies%2Farticle%2Fbruno-and-eminem-mtv-movie-awards%2F505321 |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 06/02/09 at 9:43am I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart. I said to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'. The young guy says, That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. I said, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?' I said ...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.' Most of us Old Guys are helpful like that. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by csmith3d on 06/02/09 at 6:10pm Little Johnny is at it again.... President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'? So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, would that be a tragedy?' 'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove e over a cliff, killing everyone inside, would that be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?' 'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... And it probably wouldn't be a freakin' accident either. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 06/02/09 at 7:31pm I saw a tabloid headline today at Stater Bros that said Obama is gay, but I can't say anything about it until I check it out on Snoops. I am trying to figure out which one is slanderous and unreliable, the tabloid for printing it or Stator Bros for putting it on their rack (spreading the word) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 06/03/09 at 7:01am TURPENTINE VS HOLY WATER A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, its called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, "Well, if you take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 06/03/09 at 9:53am  Thanks Duane!!!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 06/03/09 at 11:15am A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.' So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me' 12)The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry,. 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 06/03/09 at 1:07pm IF YOUTUBE EXISTED BACK THEN  www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/6-3-09/Daedalus.jpg" alt="" border="0" /> |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by txlmfan on 06/03/09 at 3:36pm Just in case the seriousness of life has you "down" today. * * * * * I was walking past a mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13....13...13." The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Somebody poked me in the eye. Then they all started shouting. "14....14...14...14....". |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by chevcamarolvr on 06/03/09 at 7:19pm Subject: why you should always get a second opinion Second Opinion! The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.' New suit - $400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6 Second Opinion - PRICELESS |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 06/08/09 at 8:15pm The Pharmacist's Monday Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Darrell Hughes II on 06/08/09 at 9:32pm Kevin Johnson got a job. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 06/08/09 at 10:08pm Darrell Hughes II wrote on 06/08/09 at 9:32pm:
LOL |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 06/09/09 at 8:50am Darrell Hughes II wrote on 06/08/09 at 9:32pm:
LMAO |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 06/10/09 at 1:22pm An old Italian lived alone in New York. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 06/14/09 at 7:05pm A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE Drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.' The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beauti ful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.' The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me! The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it. ' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 06/16/09 at 11:27am Home solutions that really work Rather gross but great laughs!!! 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.. 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE ~ WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 06/16/09 at 11:30am We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: Routine... (1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. Here comes the important part: (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. More routine... (6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat Important again: (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine... (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all: (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bouncermike on 06/16/09 at 4:28pm An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent , who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent , I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 06/16/09 at 7:13pm Hey bouncer --- did you copy and past my joke (#345 above) ??????? Ya musta really liked it huh ..........LOL ;D :) :D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bouncermike on 06/16/09 at 7:47pm LOL didnt see it! i got an email from my brother today with that joke!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Chad11 on 06/18/09 at 4:40pm BOB & THE BLONDE Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 06/18/09 at 10:19pm An Iowa corn farmer walks into a NYC bank and tells the loan officer he is going to Norway on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that they will need security for the loan, so the farmer hands over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car is parked in front of the bank. The corn farmer produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. The bank's president enjoys a good laugh over this farmer using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. Two weeks later, the farmer returns, repays the $5,000 and interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The farmer replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41, and expect it to be there when I return?" Ah, ya gotta love those Iowa corn farmers. ;D 8-) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bouncermike on 06/22/09 at 10:12pm A BLONDE PARTY GIRL WAS DROPPING OF A DRESS SHE HAD WORE THE NIGHT BEFORE AT THE DRY CLEANERS..........ON HER WAY OUT THE DOOR THE WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER SHOUTED OUT "COME AGAIN" AND THE BLONDE REPLYED.......NO THIS TIME ITS TOOTHPASTE!!!! ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 06/23/09 at 1:00pm A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO . SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.' SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO .' THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.' THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.' BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG , AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL ANd ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 06/25/09 at 6:55pm A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. =0 A He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!' God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then, it was already 1P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board20and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the kids, And put them to bed. At 9 P.M . He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - 'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!' The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson an d I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.' This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 06/30/09 at 7:19am : HillBilly Hunter A Hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license; the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said,'This duck ain't from Georgia.This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin'license,boy?' The hillbilly reached in to his wallet and produced a� Tennessee hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt,and said 'This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's From Mississippi. You got a Mississippi license?' The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck,sniffed its butt,and said, 'This ain't no Mississippi duck.. This here duck's from South Carolina.. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?' Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, 'Boy, just where the hell are you from?' The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said, 'You tell me. You're the expert.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by motor99 on 07/01/09 at 9:29am Wal-Mart Cake It took me a second, but make sure you read the story under the picture. Keep in mind this really did happen. This was a cake for someone who was moving from an insurance claims office.  Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went: Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?' Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week. 'Walmart Employee: 'What you want on de cake?' Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'. STOP LAUGHING! You just can't fix stupid!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 07/01/09 at 4:18pm Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and, with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales.. Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.' Ben, from Colorado , couldn't stand to be bested.. That's nothing, 'I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.' Bronco Bob, the old cowboy from West Texas, who flew Marine Corps F-4's in 'Nam , remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by slidinbmw on 07/02/09 at 12:41pm While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what?........... A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." Traffic ticket $95.00 Court costs $45.00 Look on the cops face ....Priceless For everything else, there's Mastercard |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/04/09 at 11:30pm Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ************************** In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ************************** On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ************************** On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." ************************** On a Church's billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak." ************************** At a Tire Store "Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************************** In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ************************** On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ************************** At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ************************** On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" ************************** At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." ************************** Outside a Car Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." ************************** In a Vet waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ************************** In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up." ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." ************************** And don't forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak." ************************** Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bigmikes on 07/06/09 at 6:16pm A blond is speeding down the road. She is pulled over by a female blond police officer. The cop says,"your drivers license please". The blond driver is extremely nervous and says "What does it look like?" The cop said "It`s rectangular and it has your picture on it." Still fumbling through her purse,the nervous blond driver found a mirror and looking at it she said "this must be it". She hands it to the blond cop and the cop looks at it and says, OH I DIDN`T REALIZE YOU WERE A POLICE OFFICES,HAVE A NICE DAY. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/10/09 at 10:13pm A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Italian from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!' The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!' The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.' The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!' The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the hell can't they play at night? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by NAIL IT WHOYA. on 07/10/09 at 10:22pm Ha, Ha, Thanks Woolie!... |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/12/09 at 1:29pm CALLED MY STOCK BROKER FOR ADVICE AS WHAT I SHOULD DO? I called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying. He said "Canned Goods and Ammunition |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by NAIL IT WHOYA. on 07/12/09 at 1:55pm That's no joke! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/13/09 at 6:34pm The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a bright Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good!' Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'. The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed, Little Johnny knows more about history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General Custer, 1862.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?' Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!' Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little nuts. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.' The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh nuts, We're screwed!' Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008 |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/13/09 at 6:38pm After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was > enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. > > So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that > he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. > > The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a > vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was > expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the > doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks > are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer > can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.' > > The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the > smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a > cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help > me..' > > 'Trust me,' said the doctor. > > So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a > beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! > > '1' > > '2' > > '3' > > '4' > > '5' > > ( you'll love this..) > > At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his > legs and continued counting on his other hand. > > This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , > Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , West > Virginia ....and Washington DC :o :-X |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 07/15/09 at 8:27am A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On Michael Jackson's Death . . . ....... .. … … .. ….. .. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … .. ... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. . .. . . … .. . . . .. ... . .... ... .... .... ... ...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... .... . .. . . . .. . .. . ... ....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... .... . .. .. . .. .... .. . . . . . .. .. … .. .. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... ..... Deep stuff eh? I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ....” |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/15/09 at 12:46pm Teachers VS Policeman - Better Sense of Humor Teachers: These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All these teachers were reprimanded, but some of their comments are really funny! 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together. 7. This child has been working with glue too much. 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others! 12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead. Cops: These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a sense of humor! 16. “You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.” 15. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.' 14. “If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” 13. “If you run, you'll only go to jail, tired.” 12. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.” 11. “You don't know how fast yo u were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?” 10. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?” 9. “Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.” 8. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not… Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?” 7. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey nuts.” 6. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.” 5. “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.” 4. “How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?” 3. “No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're &nb sp; allowed to write as many tickets as we can.” 2. “I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail!” AND THE WINNER IS... 1. “You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right… we don't. Sign here!” (In Calif.) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Ian on 07/15/09 at 4:44pm A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter 'What are you doing?' She asked. 'Hunting Flies' He responded.. 'Oh....... ! Killing any?' She asked. 'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' He replied. Intrigued, she asked........ 'How can you tell them apart?' He responded........... ''3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone.'' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bouncermike on 07/16/09 at 8:18pm WHY DID MICHAEL JACKSON LIKE TWENTYNINE YEAR OLDS???? BEACUSE THERE WAS TWENTY OF THEM!!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Ian on 07/17/09 at 1:08am An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful" says Grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone." ''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abdullah says with a big smile.. "There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! "There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'! ''There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! "And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F@%#ing Arab' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by MikeShepherd on 07/17/09 at 8:16am A woman in labor screaming profanity at her husband. He say's, Hey don't blame me. I wanted to put it in your a$$. But nooo,you thought THAT would hurt. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 07/17/09 at 1:06pm A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks. His new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird." "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked, "What's wring with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked.. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me" she said, "Let me guess... Smallcox |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by NAIL IT WHOYA. on 07/18/09 at 10:15am An old man lives in a bad neighborhood. His wife died and his kids left, and he's retired. One day, he decides to go to the mountains for a week. He packs his bags and leaves the next morning. While he was gone, a burglar broke into his house. The burglar came in at night with a flashlight, some tools, and a sack to put the loot into. While he's shuffling around, flashlight in hand, he hears a quick rustling noise coming from the corner of the room. He quickly turns to see what it is, and sees a parrot sitting in his cage, staring at him right in the face. He ignores it and continues looting. The parrot says: "Jesus is watching..." The burglar, somewhat disturbed, stops for a second, and continues looting. "Jesus is watching..." He tries as hard as he can to ignore the parrot, and continues looting. "Jesus is watching..." the parrot says sternly. Now, being unable to ignore the parrot any longer, the burglar turns and says: "Whatever. You're just a parrot. You can't talk. You're just repeating something somebody said." "Bullsh!t, I can talk." "Oh yeah? What's your name?" "Henry." "Henry? That's stupid. What kind of moron names a parrot Henry?" "The same moron that names a Doberman Jesus!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by roeman00 on 07/20/09 at 7:31pm WHAT IS BUST DUST........ What, you ask, is 'butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine No adult is this creative!! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked, "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six." STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window." BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?" SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "it makes my teeth cough." DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked, "How much do I cost?" MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?" CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?" JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?" TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?" The sermon I think this Mom will never forget... This particular Sunday sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?" Make sure you pass this one on and spread the smiles! :) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 07/20/09 at 11:49pm You may recall John Hinckley, a seriously deranged young man, who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster. Extremely jealous, in his twisted mind he "loved" Jodie Foster and felt a compulsion to make himself known to her. To this end, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There's strong evidence Hinckley may soon be released as 'rehabilitated'. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Sen. John McCain forwarded to the mental facility treating Hinckley. ----------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Hinckley In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bi-partisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout America. We're confident you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man. Best Wishes, John McCain PS: While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 07/21/09 at 9:16pm Differences Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take theirgranddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy s*** head anywhere we went today!' Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by jrtracing on 07/23/09 at 10:53pm http://www.youtube.com/watch?index=43&playnext_from=PL&feature=PlayList&p=F7A3F285A9E0D889&v=DHvDt_hc92A&playnext=1 |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by MikeShepherd on 07/24/09 at 8:57am An eskimos car breaks down in Iowa. Mechanic says,"you blew a seal". Eskimo say,"So what,you f@#k sheep!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/24/09 at 4:29pm A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway, so here goes! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll down.. Picture of a baby boy with this under it, but didnt come out...!!! 'You got Male!'" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/24/09 at 6:40pm A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/24/09 at 6:57pm A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African "bush tribe" whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his thingy and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the thingy to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and- weight procedure? 'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his thingy. A few days later, the wife asked the husband,'How is our little "tribal experiment" coming along?' 'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied. 'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?' 'No, it's turned black. :) ;) :-? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/24/09 at 8:20pm This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade ... so remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable. A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it¹s gonna be something=2 0special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You, and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and sho ok my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said: "Who messed up your hair?" :D ;D :o ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/26/09 at 7:09pm The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington. :) ;D ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 07/27/09 at 4:27pm New Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream Flavor In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ." Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The cost is $100.00 per scoop.. When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you. You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream. Are you stimulated? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/27/09 at 7:33pm A True Texas Lady A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Texas one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' (means 'getting ready to' in Texas ) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father." He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump." She said, "Well, think of your wife and children." He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids.." She said, "Well, Remember the Alamo ." He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?'' She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.'' ;D :o :D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 07/27/09 at 10:01pm Wooliebuger1 wrote on 07/27/09 at 7:33pm:
LOL |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 07/28/09 at 9:07am Ghetto word of the day Omelette "I should whoop the snot out of you, but Omelette that slide." ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by fromthegrandstands on 07/28/09 at 11:11pm This one has probably already been played here...but I liked it anyway!! Phone Call........a great one ! **Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,** **'Hello?'** **'Hi honey.** **This is Daddy.** **Is Mommy near the phone?'** **'No, Daddy.** **She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'** **After a brief pause,** **Daddy says,** **'But honey, you have n't got an Uncle Paul.'** **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,** **Right now.'** Brief Pause. **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.** **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs** **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy** **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'** **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'** **A few minutes later** **The little girl comes back to the phone.** **'I did it, Daddy.'** **'And what happened, honey?' ** 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.** **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser** **And now she isn't moving at all!'** **'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'** **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.** **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window** **And into the swimming pool..** **But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water** **Last week to clean it.** **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'** *****Long Pause***** *****Longer Pause***** *****Even Longer Pause***** **Then Daddy says,** **'Swimming pool? .............** **Is this 486-5731?'* **No, I think you have the wrong number........ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by W1CK3D R4C1NG on 07/29/09 at 7:53am now that to funny |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 07/29/09 at 8:35am W1CK3D R4C1NG wrote on 07/29/09 at 7:53am:
10-4 |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/29/09 at 9:30pm Chuckle of the day Undies Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them ? Mum said: "YOU should say NO-they only want to look at your undies". Susie said: "I know they do that's why I hide them in my backpack"!! :o ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/29/09 at 9:35pm A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. . Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH That pretty much sums up the liberal news media's approach to the news these days. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/29/09 at 9:46pm THIS IS PRICELESS... A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.' The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is' Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/29/09 at 10:01pm Surprise! Gun Control Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence. Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.' Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumbass, stop clapping!' :D ;D :o :P |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 07/29/09 at 10:41pm SO WRONG .......BUT SO FUNNY A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly; he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is..' Boy: 'I have a baseball.' Man: 'That's nice' Boy: 'Want to buy it?' Man: 'No, thanks.' Boy: 'My Dad's outside.' Man: 'OK, how much?' Boy: '$250' In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy: 'Dark in here.' Man: 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.' The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?' Boy: '$750' Man: 'Sold.' A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.' The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?' Boy: '$1,000' The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.' They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door... Wait For It !! The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now.’ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/02/09 at 4:41pm VATICAN HUMOUR After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.. 'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..) 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: ' A senator?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'The Prime Minister?' Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?' Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!' :-? ::) :o |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 08/02/09 at 5:49pm Montana Rancher A man owned a small ranch near Dillon. The Montana Dept of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to .. the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the Rancher. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/03/09 at 4:02pm FOR THOS OF US WHO HAVE A LITTLE SEASONING ON TIME [b][/b]Subject: Two Olds Guys Chatting Two old guys were chatting..... One said to the other: My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV. Other guy responded: Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift! First guy: Yup, Socks, Underwear and Viagra! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by txlmfan on 08/03/09 at 5:28pm A farmer was selling his peaches door to door trying to raise some money in tough times. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?' She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am'' and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?' The farmer said, 'Yes ma'am' and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?' He again said, 'Yes, ma'am', and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?' Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by txlmfan on 08/03/09 at 5:46pm Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland . Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. ! The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out..... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by txlmfan on 08/03/09 at 5:51pm Retirement Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a ####-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/04/09 at 6:24pm And they Reproduce Number One Idiot of 2008 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady.. Wear it with pride. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Two Idiot of 2008 Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Three Idiot of 2008 A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Four Idiot of 2008 A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot Number Five of 2008 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't even deserve a sign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot Number Six of 2008 Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.. The whole event was caught on videotape. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot Number Seven of 2008 I live in a semi-rural area ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out 'ere! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE...!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/04/09 at 8:55pm A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting...... 'What's up?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband... The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet and she's got no clothes on!' The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the closet door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. 'You rotten 'Tramp", she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 08/05/09 at 3:44pm Subject: ObamaCare TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMACARE: (10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters. (9) Directions to your doctor's office are "Take a left when you enter the trailer park." (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. (6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day." (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a error. (3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming." (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them. AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMACARE: (1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/06/09 at 6:14pm YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS RANCHER's OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO LIFE . While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and how he got to be president. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'. The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb stupid person put him up there to begin with'. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/06/09 at 7:02pm Logic 101 An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which I quote: "If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths , that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers. "The firearm death rate in Washington , D.C. Is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the US , than you are in Iraq " Conclusion: The US should pull out of Washington :) ;) :o |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by W1CK3D R4C1NG on 08/06/09 at 8:50pm Boy, we’re getting old….! I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/07/09 at 9:02pm Objectivity A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.' The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.' The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.' Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.' The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.' The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, 'My bike.' Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding someone elses bicycle! :) :o ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/07/09 at 9:07pm LOOKING FOR WORK An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.' A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.' A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.' An ILLINOIS doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of ILLINOIS , put him in the White House for SIX MONTHS, and now half the WORLD is looking for work. :o :-[ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/07/09 at 9:48pm Dear employee: As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go. So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change, I gave it to them. I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic. :o :-? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 08/10/09 at 5:51pm An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/10/09 at 9:55pm SHOULD BE POSTED SO ALL SCHOOL KIDS CAN READ: Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it! Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity. Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.. Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.. Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs and earn their way through life, and not depend on others. Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by benstrans on 08/10/09 at 10:01pm Wooliebuger1 wrote on 08/10/09 at 9:55pm:
The only REALLY sad thing about this is that it USED to be TRUE! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/11/09 at 6:43am IRISH SAUSAGES Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!' They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in. :o :-/ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/11/09 at 8:33pm IDIOT SIGHTING We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.. We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.. Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald's. IDIOT SIGHTING : I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!' I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' From Kingman , KS . IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE : My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Kansas City IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham , Ala. IDIOT SIGHTING : The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS IDIOT SIGHTING : At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. IDIOT SIGHTING : I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less. IDIOT SIGHTING When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS STAY ALERT! They walk among us. :D ;D ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/13/09 at 7:55am God Bless America ! We need it: A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble! 1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) 2.I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .'' Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' his response -- click. 3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG) 4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!) 5.An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas has a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh) 6.An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage t hat said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage. 8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?'' 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'' 10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!'' 11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'' 12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' 'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'' Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this DUMB? YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED. I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around. -- Have a nice day! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Ian on 08/14/09 at 11:19pm JUST IN ... Democrats, realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan. President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named.... "CASH FOR CODGERS" and it works like this... Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts. Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party. Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies. All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair. Remember you heard it here first. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/19/09 at 7:57pm You might have to think twice about this one. A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency Room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants.. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the Trigger. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/19/09 at 8:13pm LEMON PICKERS The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times, and I voted for Obama." :) ;D :-? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/20/09 at 10:53am BUBBA HAS A QUESTION Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?' 'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer. 'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?' 'Sure is, Bubba.' 'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?' 'Yep.' 'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?' 'That's right,' said the lawyer.' 'But why are you asking?' 'Well, I was thinkin... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?' ;D :D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/20/09 at 7:08pm WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES !!! A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies... One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/21/09 at 8:23pm The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever! The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, like a rock ! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra , Be all that you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.. 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! And the unanimous number one slogan: 1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs. I just had to send this one on :o :o ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/26/09 at 7:25pm Only A Farm Kid. When you're from the country you look at things a little differently..... An Alberta rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked. "No sir, he isn't," the boy replied.. "He went into town." "Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?" "No sir, she's not here either.. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No sir, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely.. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad." "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard." :o 8-) :P |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 08/27/09 at 1:00pm Today's riddle What's the difference between the Houston Zoo and the White House? ! ! ! ! ! ! The Zoo has an African Lion.......... The White House has a Lyin' African....... |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by txlmfan on 08/28/09 at 4:42pm > Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman > are out for a stroll in town one day. > > As they walk, they come across a sign: > > 'CONTEST- LOOKING FOR THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE > WORLD' > > "I'm entering!" said Snow White. > > After the contest she comes out and they ask her, "Well, > how'd ya do?" > > "First Place!" said Snow White. > > They continue walking and they see a sign: > > 'CONTEST- LOOKING FOR THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD' > > "I'm entering," says Superman. > > After the contest he returns and they ask him, "How did you > make out?" > > "First Place," answers Superman. "Was there any > doubt?" > > They continue walking until they see yet another sign: > > 'CONTEST- LOOKING FOR THE GREATEST LIAR IN THE WORLD' > > Naturally, Pinocchio enters. After the contest he > returns with tears in his eyes. > > "What happened?" they asked. > > "I came in 2nd........ Who the hell is this BARACK OBAMA, > anyway?" > > |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Blasticus on 08/31/09 at 2:21pm While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, who's hand got caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and he becoming President. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'. The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there in the first place.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/31/09 at 6:49pm One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like the dickens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor.' 'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart <http://www.walmart.com/>; . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.' So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water andEpsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart..' That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm... Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/31/09 at 8:02pm HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK Well, it's a start....LMAO......cfo HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it 'Barrack Obama'. 3. Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4. Empty the Recycle Bin. 5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barrack Obama?' 6. Firmly Click 'Yes.' 7. Feel better? GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/31/09 at 8:18pm A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin ' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, ' Do you have a license to catch those fish? ' ' Naw, sir ' , replied the redneck. ' I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish. ' ' Pet fish? ' ' Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ' em swim ' round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ' em home. ' ' That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that. ' The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, ' It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works. ' ' O. K.. ' , said the warden. ' I've got to see this! ' The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, ' Well? ' ' Well, what? ' , says the redneck. The warden says, ' When are you going to call them back? ' ' Call who back? ' ' The FISH ' , replied the warden! ' What fish? ' , replied the redneck. Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by lmfan01 on 09/01/09 at 2:01am NOW THAT WAS FUNNY !!!!!!! L M F A O |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 09/01/09 at 4:23pm Jesse Jackson was in Sears. He was there to protest the fact that most > of the washing machines were white. > > So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, What's the > problem here, Reverend? Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly > bemoaned the fact that most of them were white. > > The manager replied, Well, Reverend, it's true that most of the > washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see > that all the agitators are black. ;) 8-) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Ian on 09/02/09 at 3:43pm      
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 09/03/09 at 6:23pm AN ITALIAN ALTER BOY'S CONFESSION Chubby Bless me Father for I have sinned....I have been with a loose girl. The priest asks, is that you Chubby? Yes Father, it is. And who was the girl you were with? I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation. Well Chubby, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? I cannot say. Was it Teresa Mazzarelli? I'll never tell. Was it Nina Capelli? I'm sorry, but I cannot name her. Was it Cathy Piriano? My lips are sealed. Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then? Please Father, I cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself. Chubby walks back to his pew, and his friend Vinnie slides over and whispers, ...what'd you get? Four months vacation and five good leads >:( :o :-? |
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Title: Joke of the Day Post by probat on 09/09/09 at 6:18am The Push...... A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed. 'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers. 'Did you help him?' she asks. 'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!' 'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!' The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?' 'Yes,' comes back the answer.. 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband. 'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark. 'Where are you?' asks the husband. 'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 09/22/09 at 7:50pm Where's the Front of a tree?? DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE? A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!! HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS. THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE. 'SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS.' THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, 'THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER.' THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS. 'THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET.' THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!! ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, 'AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?' BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, 'WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST.' THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE. HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, 'SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?' 'I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!' THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, 'IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?' WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK. HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. 'THAT THAR'S THE FRONT,' THE REDNECK SAYS.. THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, 'HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?' THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, 'CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A S##T BEHIND IT!' HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 09/25/09 at 3:52pm WHEN THINGS DONT GO RIGHT!!! A guy is sitting at the bar, just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?' The poor guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying. "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right." "I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.." "When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance." "I left my wallet in the cab I took home." "I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the darn poison." :( :-[ :-X :-/ :'( |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 09/27/09 at 6:08pm > Holy Prostitutes > > A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices > a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. > FRANCIS - HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES > > He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on withouta > second thought.... but, soon he sees another sign which reads: > SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS - HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES > > Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and > drives past a third sign saying: > SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS - HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT > > His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the drive. On > the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign > next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS > > He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a > rather striking looking nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may > we do for you, my son?"He answers, "I saw your signs along the > highway, and I was interested in possibly doing business.....""Very > well, my son. Please,follow me."He is led through many > winding passages, and is soon quite disoriented.The nun stops at a > closed door, and she tells the man as she walks away, "Please knock on > this door." > > He does so, and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers > the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, and then > go through the large wooden doorway at the end of the hallway." > He excitedly places $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall > and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, > and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: > GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS. > SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 09/29/09 at 7:51pm Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny and obviously written by a Former Soldier... New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up...... If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser... Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl.. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. ***How about recruiting Women over 50 ....going through the change !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night! :) :o ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 09/30/09 at 4:12pm NOT A JOKE BUT INTERESTING READING:[ A fantastic way to live Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more: 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. 24. The most important sex organ is the brain. 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?' 27. Always choose life. 28. Forgive everyone everything. 29. What other people think of you is none of your business. 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 33. Believe in miracles. 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. 37. Your children get only one childhood. 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back. 41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 42. The best is yet to come. 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 44. Yield. 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift." Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'. I'm in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by TDAWG on 10/01/09 at 5:06pm An email I received....couldn't get the stamp photo to load..but here it is anyway.. The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People were spitting on the wrong side. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 10/05/09 at 9:22pm Little Johnny does it again and..........I just love this little tyke.......... A teacher in New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.....Not really knowing what an Obama fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except, of course, Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he decided to be different... again? Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.' The teacher said, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?' Johnny said, 'Because I'm a conservative.' The teacher asked why he's a conservative. Little Johnny answered, 'Well, My mom's a conservative and my dad's a conservative, so I'm a conservative too.' The teacher asks, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?' With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.' :D ;D 8-) ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 10/08/09 at 5:24pm 2009 Joke Of The Year Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', Says the Genie. The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians Can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, Smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.' Thanks Mike!!! ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Ian on 10/19/09 at 2:12pm Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she Proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to Go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said...... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' " |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 10/20/09 at 11:20am Mexicans cross the borders in ones twos and fours. Never in threes. Know why? Sign says No Tres Passing |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 10/21/09 at 3:02pm LOL,, |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 10/22/09 at 9:28pm MY LIVING WILL Last night, my family and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my beer. They're such asses ... |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 10/22/09 at 9:47pm That one is a little too close to home. LOLOL |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 10/23/09 at 8:18am formercrewguy wrote on 10/22/09 at 9:28pm:
LMAO,, I FEEL YOUR PAIN,, |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by fromthegrandstands on 10/24/09 at 6:28pm If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed. If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone. If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy. A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good. If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect. If a black man or Hispanic are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful. Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection. If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him. If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they do not like be shut down. If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church. A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless its a foreign religion, of course!) If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides. A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his. If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed. If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues. If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh. A liberal will delete it because he's "offended." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 10/24/09 at 8:30pm WOW,,thats not a joke,,,,It's the dang truth... |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 10/25/09 at 2:12pm - This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy! The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else.. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 10/27/09 at 3:45pm HALLOWEEN COSTUME A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.. The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir, We have TRIED our very BEST Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your azz and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 10/29/09 at 8:30pm WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS... 1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." 2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." 3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." 4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.." 5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." 6. Senior basketball player at th e University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful) 7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle." 8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ." 9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." 10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is." 11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January) 12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" 13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." 14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious. 15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too darn ugly to kiss good-bye." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Ian on 10/30/09 at 12:00am Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with a hot girl @ work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her and said i'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you. The girl looked at him shocked and said no! He said i'll be real quick. I'll throw the money on the floor you bend down and i'll finish by the time you've picked it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult with her boyfriend so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, ask him for $200. Pick up the money really really fast, n he won't even be able to get his pants down. She agreed and accepts the proposal. 30 Min go by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened?" still breathing hard she managed to reply, The crappity smacker had all QUARTERS! ! ! ! ;D :o :-? ::) ;) :D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 10/30/09 at 8:53am Good one Ian!!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg33A on 10/30/09 at 5:06pm > Two little boys, ages > 8 and 10, were > > excessively mischievous. > > > > They were > always getting into > trouble and their parents knew all about it. > > > > If any mischief occurred in their town, > > the two boys were probably involved. > > > > The boys' mother heard that a preacher > > in town had been successful in disciplining > children, > > so she asked if he > would speak with her boys. > > > > The preacher agreed, but he asked to see > > them individually. > > > > > > So the mother sent the > 8 year old first, > > in the morning, with > the older boy to see > > the preacher in the > afternoon. > > > > The preacher, a huge man with a booming > > voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him > sternly, > > 'Do you know where > God is, son?' > > > > The boy's mouth dropped open , but he > > made no response, sitting there > wide-eyed > > with his mouth hanging > open. > > > > So the preacher repeated > > the question in an even sterner > tone, > > 'Where is > God?' > > > > Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. > > The preacher raised his voice even more and > shook > > > his finger in the > boy's face and bellowed, > > > 'Where is > God?' > > > > The boy screamed and bolted from the > > room, ran directly home and dove into his > closet, > > slamming the door > behind him. > > > > When his older brother found him in the > > closet, he asked, 'What happened?' > > > > The younger brother, gasping for breath, > > replied, ‘We are in BIG trouble this > time,' > > > (I just LOVE reading > this next line again and again:)) > > > > 'GOD is missing, and they think we did > it!' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by steph on 11/05/09 at 1:10pm A French doctor says my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man and put it in another and have him looking to work in six weeks. A German doctor says that is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in four weeks. The Russian doctor says in my country medicine is so advanced that we can take a half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks. An American doctor nothing to be out done says You guys are way behind. We recently took a black guy [censored the original version] with no brains out of Illinois put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 11/05/09 at 1:42pm ohhhh noooo.... LOLOL |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Ian on 11/05/09 at 6:48pm A blind man was feeling his way down the street with his stick, he walked past the fish market and he took a deep breath and said.... "Good Morning ladies!" 8-) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 11/06/09 at 12:28pm 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Ian on 11/06/09 at 4:38pm ROFLMFAO!!! ;D :-? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 11/06/09 at 10:37pm E E E E E E E E E E YA, I can pick it out! I knew Kevin would get it up here!!! LOL Duane |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 11/08/09 at 8:27pm LMAO.....Thanks Duane.... Here's another one I had you in mind for.. 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 11/08/09 at 8:42pm Thanks Slinger!!!! 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 11/16/09 at 6:30pm BOB THE CHICKEN Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..... BOB, wake up. You nuts the bed!' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 11/17/09 at 4:06pm HI HOPE THIS GIVES YOU A LAUGH IT DID ME. I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan... I told them I was suicidal... They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. A$$holes................. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 11/18/09 at 8:27pm LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL The Power of the Badge... DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... " Your badge! Show him your BADGE! " |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 12/02/09 at 8:36pm NANCY PELOSIE'S DRIVER Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. > Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the > car comes to a stop. Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the > chauffeur, 'you get out and check - you were driving.' > > The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead > but it was old. > > 'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy .. > > Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled > with a big grin on his face. > > My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy . > > The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best > bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a great meal and the daughter > made love to me > > 'What on earth did you say?' asks Nancy . > > 'I just knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: > 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 12/03/09 at 5:38am LMAOOOOO,,,,NOW THATS FUNNY..SAD IT ISNT TRUE BUT STILL FUNNY |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bluebyu on 12/03/09 at 11:24am It was just reported that Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger! Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5." Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards......... What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 12/03/09 at 12:40pm http://www.break.com/index/unique-order-at-mcdonalds.html http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sw2OvIgoO8 What do you do with a $20,000 Laser engraver??? http://www.break.com/index/laser-engraver-plays-mario-theme.html Make it play the Super Mario Theme. Of course!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by NAIL IT WHOYA. on 12/03/09 at 3:55pm A guy is driving around the back woods of Missouri and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh$t |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 12/03/09 at 8:21pm CRAIG'S LIST ACTUAL AD...Never Happen in California.... AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD ãâ,¬â,¬ To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head . . . isn't it?! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to whereever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cellphone and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.) After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, . . .on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, alongwit all the cash in your wallet. (That made his day!) I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb . . . after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. Ma Bell just now shutdown the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number, etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . . . but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day! Alex P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 12/05/09 at 7:04pm Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough... After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by TDAWG on 12/05/09 at 9:45pm Obama healthcare. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 12/06/09 at 6:54am wrote on 12/03/09 at 12:40pm:
LMAO,,,I so wanna grab a unsuspecting person and take them on a dirt track as a passenger.. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 12/07/09 at 2:26pm 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by speeddoggie on 12/08/09 at 10:35am World's Shortest Fairy Tale? Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. The end |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 12/09/09 at 2:27pm speeddoggie wrote on 12/08/09 at 10:35am:
LMAOOO,, very good story.. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hookdup on 12/10/09 at 3:34am Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. “What’s logic?” the first redneck asked. The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?” “I sure do.” “Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor. “That’s real good!” said the redneck. The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.” Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!” “And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.” “That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck was catching on. “Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor. “You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!” The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. “So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend. “Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck. “What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend. “Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck. “No,” his friend replied. “You’re queer, ain’t ya?” DANG, How'd you know Dat?" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by PriddyMotorsports on 12/10/09 at 4:40pm George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he finishes, the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars; so Putin writes him a check for a million dollars. Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she finishes, the Devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars; so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he finishes, the Devil informs him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime. When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic! He asks the Devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The Devil replies, "Since Obama became President of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 12/10/09 at 10:38pm Here’s a good one from one of our missionary friends… As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave- side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country. Not being familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full. As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "That was beautiful. I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 12/11/09 at 4:49pm No nativity this Christmas in D.C. There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues. There was NO problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable. ;D :o |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 12/12/09 at 6:10pm hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia 1. The fear of long words, ironically. It is literally the hippopotamus- and monster-related fear of very long words. Ben is a sufferer of a mild form of hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Nick on 12/14/09 at 12:00am Well, there's good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations…. Good news is that I truly out did myself this year. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second, a 55-year-old lady who grabbed the 75-pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove their cars into my yard. <a href="http://s150.photobucket.com/albums/s116/fmxyzrider125/?action=view¤t=ATT22094431.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i150.photobucket.com/albums/s116/fmxyzrider125/ATT22094431.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a> |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 12/14/09 at 12:13pm  Picture from post above....was going to post it myself, funny as hel!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 12/15/09 at 12:12pm formercrewguy wrote on 12/15/09 at 9:11am:
LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 12/15/09 at 8:11pm  YOMAMA BIN SHOPPIN |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 12/17/09 at 7:12pm Yesterday morning when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. The teacher noticed that little Ricky was being uncharacteristically quiet and so she asked him about his father. 'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do it with him for money.'The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Ricky aside to ask him,'Is that really true about your father?' 'No,' said Ricky, 'He plays for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by smart_guy on 12/17/09 at 8:53pm formercrewguy wrote on 12/17/09 at 7:12pm:
roflmfao......thats funny as hell, the cowboys suck ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by woodracin13 on 12/18/09 at 4:45pm This is so funny......remind me never to electrify any kind of fence..... If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist. We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of nuts lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of nuts chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'darn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4 - My left eye will not open. 5 - My right eye will not close. 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???). That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by fromthegrandstands on 12/18/09 at 5:38pm A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton." The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton. "My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine." Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location." Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 12/21/09 at 4:51pm Ummm Yup...... I guess you have heard.... Obama will be making no more public speeches in Texas ..... He claims every time he gets up on stage, behind the podium, to make a speech, some darn Texas cotton farmer starts bidding on him. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 12/21/09 at 6:30pm ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 12/22/09 at 2:18pm This one is to all the illegals this Christmas.... http://www.youtube.com/v/yhm0zRykHCY&hl=en_US&fs=1& http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhm0zRykHCY |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Pearson_79 on 12/22/09 at 2:30pm Q. What is the difference between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods? A. Santa Clause stopped after 3 HOES. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/27/09 at 6:28pm What is the name of the dead Mexican laying with his burro at the bottom of the Grand Canyon? Juan Knievel Not ment to be racist, but dang it was funny. Duane |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Joe_Odom212 on 12/27/09 at 9:07pm Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 12/29/09 at 6:46pm A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?' He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.' She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20 .00.' She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.' The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?' He replies,' Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 12/30/09 at 3:19pm Do you know what happened 159 years ago this fall back in 1850? California became a state. The people had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by steph on 12/30/09 at 3:40pm And how old are you to remember that?! ;) :o ;D I kid, I kid. Good one Ol' School! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by smart_guy on 12/30/09 at 9:32pm heck, he remembers that like it was yesterday :P ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 12/31/09 at 8:10am HUH?? ---remember what?? --- HUH?? -- what day is it?? --- HUH?? --- where am I?? --- aww, to heck with it..................... |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/31/09 at 8:44am Now thats the Kirk we know and love!!!! Kirk who? Just an unassuming person hiding behind a computor screen. Me |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 01/06/10 at 6:30pm YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..." 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean." 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against. 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four. 10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat. 11. your cousin is president of the United States |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 01/07/10 at 9:33pm Police have a heart! The Lexington, Kentucky Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Kentucky River just west of the Clays Ferry Bridge. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink g-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and an OBAMA t-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum. The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. Police do care. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 01/07/10 at 11:31pm Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this: A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. 'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked. 'No, I don't,' she replied. 'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.' She didn't crack a smile. 'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. 'What's so funny?' he asked. 'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!' (gotta watch those little old ladies, their minds are always working!) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 01/10/10 at 8:41am NEW KFC DINNER We all remember the "Hillary Meal"- small breasts and big thighs. Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners. It's called the Obama Cabinet Bucket - It consists of nothing but left wings and assholes. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 01/10/10 at 2:50pm Grandpa The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' Don't Mess with Old People!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by NAIL IT WHOYA. on 01/10/10 at 7:30pm LOL! Funny.... |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 01/11/10 at 7:10pm ROFLMAO HAHAHAHA!!!!! Thanks Woolie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 01/21/10 at 2:53pm A little known fact.... The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Andrew on 01/22/10 at 6:23pm A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !" The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." Don't you just LOVE lawyers?! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 01/22/10 at 9:54pm -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nancy Pelosi and Father O'Malley Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington, D.C. parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly made a phone call. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied, "Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was silence on the line for a moment, and Father O'Malley replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 01/23/10 at 5:56am hahahahahaha.........thanks sis!! The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women 10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road. 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup. 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. 4. Guns function normally every day of the month. 3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?" 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.... 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 01/23/10 at 9:00pm LOLOLOLOL ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ LARGEST passenger AIRPLANE NEW AIRBUS 340-600 This brand spanking new Airbus 340-600,the largest passenger airplane ever built, sits just outside its hangar in Toulouse, France without a single hour of airtime.  Enter the Arab flight crew of Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies (ADAT) to conduct pre-delivery tests on the ground, such as engine run-ups prior to delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi. The ADAT crew taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area.  Then they took all Four engines to takeoff power with a virtually empty aircraft. Not having Read the run-up manuals, they had no clue just how light an empty A340-600 Really is.  The takeoff warning horn was blaring away in the cockpit because they had All 4 engines at full power. The aircraft computers thought they were trying to take off, but it had not been configured properly (flaps/slats, etc..)  Then one of the ADAT crew decided to pull the circuit breaker on the Ground Proximity Sensor to silence the alarm. This fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air.  The computers automatically released all the Brakes and set the aircraft rocketing forward. The ADAT crew had no idea that this is a safety feature so that pilots can't land with the brakes on.  Not one member of the seven-man Arab crew was smart enough to throttle back the engines from their max power setting, so the $200 million brand-new Aircraft crashed into a blast barrier, totaling it.  The extent of injuries to the crew is unknown due to the news blackout in the major media in France and elsewhere.  Coverage of the story was deemed insulting to Muslim Arabs.  Finally, the photos are starting to leak out.  A French Airbus: $200 million dollars Untrained Arab Flight Crew: $300,000 Yearly Salary Unread Operating Manual: $300 Aircraft meets retaining wall and the wall wins. PRICELESS!!! "that's why God gave them camels"! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by TALON75 on 01/23/10 at 9:54pm Them bastards will run a plane into anything won't they!!lol hate to see a brand new plane destroyed like that . |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Andrew on 01/24/10 at 8:12am Not me! I thoroughly enjoyed the story, and this is the only way I'm ever gonna see an airplane of that caliber. Thanks Kevin! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 01/24/10 at 4:07pm Andrew wrote on 01/24/10 at 8:12am:
the Boeing 787 "dreamliner" is starting a 3 year trials out of Victorville airport (southern california logistics airport or S.C.L.A.). I can't wait to see it. We get great views of the Big Plane traffic at VV from my house. Every once in awhile the pilot of a C-17 overflys his house which is across from mine!! I've Always loved this area, Especially when George AFB was in operation. (same place.) While I am here, Take a look at one of my airport buddies websites: http://mysite.verizon.net/t.gummo/id11.html |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 01/26/10 at 12:07am Golfing Hit Man... Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up..' 'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing, and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of The friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?' 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply. 'You're joking!' was the response. 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.' 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle, and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. 'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?' 'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.' 'Can you do two for me now?' 'Sure, what do you want?' 'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.' 'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his **** off to teach him a lesson.' The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. 'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently. 'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....' ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 01/26/10 at 4:53pm http://www.break.com/break-originals/other-funny-stuff/leaked-tiger-woods-mistress-sex-tape.html Tiger Woods Mistress Released the Sex Tape!!!! LOLOL Must See Semi Safe for Work!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Blasticus on 01/26/10 at 5:44pm lmao...good one kevin |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 01/26/10 at 6:27pm Remember when Ronald Reagan was president, we also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash still with us.................. Now we have Obama, no hope and no cash. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 01/28/10 at 6:53pm Barack Hussein Obama was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. To the blonde he said, 'I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?' She replied, $200.' To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was $100. He then asked the redhead... Her reply was, 'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas, Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have retirees, Then it isn't going to cost you a darn cent !' :D ;D ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 01/28/10 at 7:01pm A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped. Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd. A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s. "Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue , and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man." The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice: B-4 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 ... O-72 :D ;D ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 01/28/10 at 7:04pm EVERYDAY TOOLS >SNAP-RING PLIER: A special plier used to propel snap-rings from the >part you are working on to the farthest, darkest, spider inhabited >recesses of the garage . > >DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat >metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest >and flings your beer across the room, denting your freshly-painted >vintage car (or boat or airplane) which you had carefully parked in the >corner of the shop (or hangar) where nothing could get to it. > >WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under >the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and >hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to >say, 'Oh sh--....' > >ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their >holes until you die of old age. > >SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. > >PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of >blood blisters. > >CRESCENT WRENCH: Used to prepare a bolt head for the application of >pliers. > >BELT SANDER An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor >touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. > >HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board >principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable >motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more >dismal your future becomes. > >VISE-GRIPS: Generally used to snap off bolt heads after they have been >completely rounded off by pliers. If nothing else is available, they >can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your >hand. > >WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the >conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. > >ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable >objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the >wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. > >TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood >projectiles for testing wall integrity. > >HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground >after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle >firmly under the bumper. > >EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward >off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. > >E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times harder than any >known drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any >possible future use. > >BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to >cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into >the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the >outside edge. > >TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength >of everything you forgot to disconnect from the engine being removed. > >CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that >inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end >opposite the handle. > >AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. > >PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids >or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on >your shirt . It can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out >Phillips screw heads. > >STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to >convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws, which can then >be extracted with pliers and ultimately have the screw head snapped off >with vise-grips.. > >PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or >bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. > >HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. > >HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is >used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts >adjacent the object you are trying to hit. > >MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through cardboard shipping >cartons delivered to your front door . Works particularly well on the >contents of the carton such as seats, collector vinyl records, >caustic/flammable/difficult to clean up liquids in plastic bottles, >collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. >Especially useful for slicing the work clothes of the person using the >knife or anyone standing next to that person. > >DAMMIT TOOL: Any tool that you grab and throw across the garage while >yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the >next tool that you will need. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 01/28/10 at 8:27pm A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES." "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER." THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . . THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE. "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WHAT?" SAID MARGE. "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT.." "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE? "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED. "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL" "I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 01/30/10 at 8:18am Today's word is...................Fluctuations I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too" :) :o ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 02/03/10 at 11:26pm Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building. One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.." The other man says "screw off, you're jokin aren't u?" The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window.. The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth" The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death. The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a d**k when you're drunk superman" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/09/10 at 7:41pm Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.' One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss...... and you can bet your black ass it's probably not an accident either. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 02/09/10 at 7:50pm snicker snicker,,,LOL ::) ;D ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/14/10 at 8:16pm Old but still funny!! As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became Aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to Come up to the height of the first step of the bus.. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus Driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, Thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached Behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the Second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind To unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing Behind her picked her up easily by the waist And placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the Would-be Samaritan And yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by lmfan01 on 02/15/10 at 1:58am L M F A O |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/18/10 at 4:17pm PSALM 2010 Obama is the shepherd I did not want. He leadeth me beside the still factories. He restoreth my faith in the Republican party. He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line, I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me. He has anointed my income with taxes, My expenses runneth over. Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life, And I will live in a mortgaged home forever. I am glad I am American, I am glad that I am free. But I wish I was a dog ..... And Obama was a tree. :D ;D 8-) ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/18/10 at 4:25pm SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER...... You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em! We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid pregnant dog was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car. :D :) ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/18/10 at 4:28pm DEATH OF THE OLD COW Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop. Nancy Pelosi, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving." So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.. "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy . Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy . The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of Single-Malt Scotch, the wife gave me a Great meal and the daughter made Fantastic love to me." "What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy . "I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow." :-? ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/18/10 at 4:30pm Give Obama time The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate. America needs Obama care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. Q: Have you heard about McDonalds’ new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? A: America! Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? A: Bo has papers. :) ;) :D ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 02/18/10 at 5:33pm LOL Ya beat me to it Don!!! Duane |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/18/10 at 6:09pm SOME CUTE BUMPER STICKERS AT A MARINE BASE IN CALIFORNIA "It's God's Job to forgive Bin Laden -- It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting" Marine Sniper: "You can run, but you'll just die tired!" "U.S. Marines: Travel Agents To Allah" "Death Smiles At Everyone - Marines Smile Back" "When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine." "Stop Global Whining" "Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR Has Never Solved Anything." " U.S. Marines -- Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club" The Marine Corps - "When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight" "What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? .... A Little Recoil" "Marines - Providing Enemies of America An Opportunity To Die For Their Country - Since 1775" "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It" "Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon" "Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Brawl" "My kid fought in Iraq so your kid can party in college" "Machine Gunners - Accuracy by Volume" "A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers" "If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran" "Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem." - Ronald Reagan |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/18/10 at 6:15pm Just keeping you in the loop for proper word choice, always looking out for precision communication . . . Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS . And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN. ' 2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.' 3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..' 4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.' 5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.' 6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.' HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1.. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.' 2.. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.' 3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS..' 4.. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.' 5.. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' (Loved this one!) 6.. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.' SORRY GUYS & GALS WAS ON A ROLL TODAY, GOT LOT OF GOOD STUFF TO SHARE, AND I GUESS I GOT CARRIED AWAY, HOPE YOU ALL UNDERSTAND...Don :) ;) :D ;D 8-) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/19/10 at 3:46pm IRAQI MARINE INJURIES: A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert, and as first aid was given to both men the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy was a fat, good-for-nothing, left-wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. "So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a mean-spirited hooker! "He retaliated by yelling, ‘Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!' "And there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us." :o :-[ :-/ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 02/22/10 at 3:31pm benstrans wrote on 02/21/10 at 8:55pm:
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 02/22/10 at 3:34pm "A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."--From another site User "S###MyDadSays" http://another site/#!/pages/ShitMyDadSays/223123485280?ref=nf |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 02/22/10 at 9:09pm When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct numberto call her, I found that I had accidentally transposedthe last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an not a very nice person!' And hung up. I wrote his number downwith the word 'not a very nice person' next to it, And put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an not a very nice person!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my theraputic 'not a very nice person' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with ourCaller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an not a very nice person!' And hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spotI had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelledthat I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first not a very nice person (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW not a very nice person, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax It's a yellow ranch style houseAnd the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five..' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an not a very nice person!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea... I called not a very nice person #1. He said, 'Hello' I said, 'You're an not a very nice person!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me' I said, 'Make me.' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'not a very nice person, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, not a very nice person,' and hung up. Then I called not a very nice person #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, not a very nice person,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass' I answered, 'Well, not a very nice person, here's your chance.. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 02/23/10 at 10:06pm Alaska Bear Removers -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bear Remover A racer wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pitt bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? " "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner." "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!" __________________ - |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 02/24/10 at 12:32am mudslinger47 wrote on 02/22/10 at 9:09pm:
Thanks Duane!! I'm going to borrow this one. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 02/24/10 at 2:36pm Hi all! Just wanted to let you know I received my stimulus package yesterday. It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish. :D ;D :o :-? :-[ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by txlmfan on 02/25/10 at 7:19am in response to woolie i am glad someone got their stimulas package. all we got down here in texas was a notice to meet in the cotton fields for orientation. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 02/25/10 at 3:28pm At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use? "Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.. "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient? "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster. "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform? "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 02/26/10 at 8:48pm -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, " go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'am not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, " you know i think my girl was dead!" " Dead?" says the friend " why do you say that?" " well she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her..." His friend says " Could be worse i think mine was a witch." " A witch?? why would you say that" " Well, i was makeing love to her, kissing her on the neck, and igave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... Took my teeth with her!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by steph on 02/27/10 at 6:26pm if "pro" is the opposite of "con", is progress the opposite of congress? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by smart_guy on 02/28/10 at 6:51pm steph wrote on 02/27/10 at 6:26pm:
ouch!!! lol ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 02/28/10 at 10:26pm A guy goes to his doctor and says,"Doc, I have a problem.""My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.""I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."The man says, "You have a deal Doc."Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.The doctor asks, "What happened"?The man answered, "Nobody showed up!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 03/01/10 at 7:54pm Q. What would you get if you crossed Albert Einstein with Barack Obama? A. E = MC Hammer |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 03/07/10 at 5:34pm Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.. The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. 'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.' 'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully. He's a martyr now though— the mother confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other. 'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.' 'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.' 'He's a martyr too' says the mother quietly. 'Oh, gracious me . . . ' says the other. 'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18', she whispers. Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . 'They blow up so fast, don't they?’ ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 03/07/10 at 6:10pm A woman who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down." ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 03/09/10 at 2:04pm Theory Of Intelligence I've never heard the concept explained any better than this......... "Well you see, Norm, it's like this .. ... . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This Natural Selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers. " |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 03/11/10 at 8:02am Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother? Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.' The interview ended. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 03/11/10 at 8:04am I took my biology exam today and failed. I was asked to name something commonly found in cells. Apparently Blacks & Mexicans is not the right answer. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 03/14/10 at 1:40pm A Thought to Brighten Your Day! When you are down in the dumps and think you have real problems, just remember: SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD, THERE IS A POOR BASTARD NAMED MR. PELOSI..... Thanks Grandpa!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Andrew on 03/15/10 at 6:38pm The Funeral Procession A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?' 'My wife's. ''What happened to her?' The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her' He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?' The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.' A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. 'Can I borrow the dog?' The man replied, 'Get in line.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 03/19/10 at 7:47am LMAOOOOOO, that line is going to be very long,,, where is it I need to get in line soon,,,LOL |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 03/22/10 at 7:41pm We were out shopping yesterday for a new ride. Just for fun, Sara and I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that Escalade "feel" before they become extinct... The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. I stated the car must be a Republican car. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car. I explained that if it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round. We had to walk back to the dealership.......................... ;D :D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by lmfan01 on 03/25/10 at 1:27am L M A O |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by woodracin13 on 04/07/10 at 12:46pm A married couple was celebrating their 60 anniversary. One man asked him "man you guys look so happy together, how did you make so long" the husband started to explain "well, our first year anniversary we went horse back riding. My wife's horse was not in really good shape. We rode for about a mile and the horse tripped and fell. My wife said "1", we helped the poor horse up and continue on our journey, further down the road the horse fell again. My wife looked at me and shook her head. She helped the horse up and said "2". We continued. As we were going down the mountain the horse lost it's balance and fell. My wife got up off the ground and shot the horse in the head. I looked at her and yelled, "Oh my goodness!!! What the is wrong with you???!!!! She looked at me and said "1". |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 04/19/10 at 8:43am Obama turning white ... Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head. In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all. Barack drank the concoction and said, "That tasted like bullsh*t!" "It was." the doctor replied, "You were a quart low." . |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 04/19/10 at 9:05am A mother is > driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. > > > ' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' > > > 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the > mother replied. > 'It's not polite.' > > 'OK', the > little girl says, > > > 'How much do you weigh?' > > > 'Now really,' the mother says, > > > 'those are personal questions and are > really none of your business.' > > Undaunted, the little girl > asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' > > 'That's enough > questions, young lady! Honestly!' > > The exasperated mother > walks away as the two friends begin to play. > > ' My Mom won't > tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. > > > 'Well,' says the friend, > > > 'all you need to do is look at her > driver's license. > > > It's like a report card, it has > everything on it.' > > Later that night the little girl says to > her mother, > > > 'I know how old you are. You are 32.' > > > The mother is surprised and asks, > > > 'How did you find that out? > > > 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' > > > The mother is past surprised and shocked now. > 'How > in Heaven's name did you find that out?' > > 'And,' the little > girl says triumphantly, > > > 'I know why you and daddy got a > divorce.' > > 'Oh > really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' > > > > > >> 'Because > you got an F in sex.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 04/26/10 at 9:28pm Best joke for 2010 so far; George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is Finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she Is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so She writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is Finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush Got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has Gone to hell, so it's a local call." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 04/27/10 at 5:11pm From Larry the Cable Guy “Even after the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a darn genius”. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 04/30/10 at 8:36pm Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another ' Economic Stimulus' payment . This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is an ' Economic Stimulus' payment ? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q.. Where will the government get this money ? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment ? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart , the money will go to China or Sri Lanka ... * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China . * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .. * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea . * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan . * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in America by: 1) Spending it at yard sales , or 2) Going to ball games, or 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 4) Beer or 5) Tattoos. (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. ) Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day ! No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Bap33 on 04/30/10 at 10:59pm Here in Winton we just call that a regular Thursday |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bluebyu on 05/03/10 at 9:20am An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.; At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/04/10 at 7:24pm THE OUTHOUSE POEM * >> (*note: If you don't know what an OutHouse is - ask someone a little older) >> >> The service station trade was slow >> The owner sat around, >> With sharpened knife and cedar stick >> Piled shavings on the ground. >> >> No modern facilities had they, >> The log across the rill >> Led to a shack, marked His and Hers >> That sat against the hill. >> >> "Where is the ladies restroom, sir?" >> The owner leaning back, >> Said not a word but whittled on, >> And nodded toward the shack. >> >> With quickened step she entered there >> But only stayed a minute, >> Until she screamed, just like a snake >> Or spider might be in it. >> >> With startled look and beet red face >> She bounded through the door, >> And headed quickly for the car >> Just like three gals before. >> >> She missed the foot log - jumped the stream >> The owner gave a shout, >> As her silk stockings, down at her knees >> Caught on a sassafras sprout. >> >> She tripped and fell - got up, and then >> In obvious disgust, >> Ran to the car, stepped on the gas, >> And faded in the dust. >> >> Of course we all desired to know >> What made the gals all do >> The things they did, and then we found >> The whittling owner knew. >> >> A speaking system he'd devised >> To make the thing complete, >> He tied a speaker on the wall >> Beneath the toilet seat. >> >> He'd wait until the gals got set >> And then the devilish tike, >> Would stop his whittling long enough, >> To speak into the mike. >> >> And as she sat, a voice below >> Struck terror, fright and fear, >> "Will you please use the other hole, >> We're painting under here!" :) ;D :o |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 05/07/10 at 2:54pm Information about Gonorrhea Lectim The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible Obamanation. The disease is contracted through dangerous and risky behavior, involving putting your cranium (HEAD) up your rectum (ASS). Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is. It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming out to eradicate this disease, called Votemout, pronounced "Vot em out." You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it. Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey, and apparently now Massachusetts, with many more seeing the writing on the wall. ;D :) ;) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 05/08/10 at 3:55pm A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. All the Hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Pennsylvania ." The bartender says, "What do you do in Pennsylvania ?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 05/09/10 at 9:29pm 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 05/14/10 at 4:39pm OH HELL!! ... Let's Offend Everyone! Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem? A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat. Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A. A different bar. Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby? A. Sum Ting Wong . Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A. A speech impediment. Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ? A. Because they're not going to work in the future either. Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays , Wednesdays and Fridays? A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe. Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!' Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale??? A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this nuts.' Q.. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 05/14/10 at 8:32pm WHERE ARE THE PROOFREADERS? Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say? Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says No crap, really? Ya think? Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy! Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial! War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?! Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge! New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?! Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall! And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 05/17/10 at 11:35pm How Fights Start My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ****************************************** My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started.... ****************************************** Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... ****************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" And then the fight started..... ***************************************** My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started... ****************************************** When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gasoline station. And then the fight started... ****************************************** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started... ****************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My Goodness!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... ****************************************** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started... ****************************************** A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.' And then the fight started..... __________________ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 05/19/10 at 7:47am LETTERMAN IN TROUBLE WITH NASCAR!!!! Now, this is funny. I'll bet Dave Letterman does get some 'flak' from the NAACP. Al Sharpton and the Rev Jackson will go nuts !!! David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers: # 10 Have to sit upright while driving. # 9 Pistol won't stay under front seat. # 8 Engine noise drowns out the rap music. # 7 Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time. # 6 They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr. # 5 Police cars on track interfere with race. # 4 No passenger seat for the Ho. # 3 No Cadillacs approved for competition. # 2 When they crash their cars, they bail out & run. AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR.............. # 1 They Can't wear their helmets sideways. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 05/19/10 at 9:24pm 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 05/19/10 at 9:26pm 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 07/09/10 at 12:04pm HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES > > > The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. > > > Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on > productive salesmanship. > > > Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she > said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil > spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." > > > "Very good," said the teacher. > > > Little Jenny was next: > > > "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone > that magazines would keep them up on current events." > > > "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. > > > Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn (you remember him don't cha?). > > > The teacher held her breath ... > > > Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full > of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. > > > "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" > > > "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. > > > "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough > tooth brushes to make that much money?" > > > "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a > Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." > > > They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog nuts!" > > > Then I would say,"It is dog nuts. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" > > > "I used the governmental approach of giving you something crappy for > free, and then making you pay to get the crappy taste out of your > mouth." > > > > > |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/16/10 at 2:15pm TOP 10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN 10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. 9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD. 8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES. 7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP. 6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO. 5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE. 4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH. 3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?" 2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT. 1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN. ;D :D :o |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 07/17/10 at 11:36am LOL,,, yep some good reasons there,,lol |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by bluebyu on 07/18/10 at 9:50am An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly. All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." Are you ready for this...........? All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing." Punctuation is powerful. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/29/10 at 2:02pm The stranded Irishman One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship" As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!" At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/29/10 at 2:03pm Wally's Wedding Night At 78 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 78 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it.... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.' And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.' Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says, 'You mean I was here already?' The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages. THE END |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/29/10 at 2:04pm Old Timer Sex This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy! The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/30/10 at 2:56pm My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, “Oh no!!, my dog is a democrat!” |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Pearson_79 on 08/01/10 at 2:15pm Wooliebuger1 wrote on 07/30/10 at 2:56pm:
Or a prisoner! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/06/10 at 6:56am 86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.</ B> Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eig ht pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH #1. To make an appointment to see me #2. To query a missing payment. #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my au tomated answering service. #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client And remember: Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 08/07/10 at 11:15am ALL THE SHEEP THAT VOTED FOR OBAMA !! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/09/10 at 1:52pm I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?' Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? -------------------------------------------------------------- Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately. -------------------------------------------------------------- The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. ------------------------------------------------------------- All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. ------------------------------------------------------------ Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -- ----------------------------------------------------------- Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?' Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.' Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.' Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!' -------------------------------------------------------------- Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks t he Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A minute.' Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.' 'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' 'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.' ------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?' 'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?' -------------------------------------------------------------- John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said. 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.' 'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I do!' -------------------------------------- A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/11/10 at 7:42am THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?" The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by LM 34 on 08/11/10 at 9:09am Have you ever had sex while camping ? It's in Tents ! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 08/11/10 at 11:17am The Italian Honeymoon! After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?" Luigi said, "Ever'thing was a perfect except for da train a ride down." "What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautifula Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a 'forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket. "The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.' "So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.' "So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.' "We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he come'a through car yelling, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!' "Next'a time, Ima driva down!!" ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/11/10 at 1:45pm A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE VICTORIA AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CALGARY. SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TOHERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.' SHE WEN T OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ,'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY.' THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN, SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS,YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.' THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.' BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CALGARY.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/11/10 at 2:39pm My Building Permit: I recently applied for a building permit for my new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim. The City laughed and told me to go to h_ _ _. I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque. Work starts on Monday. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/12/10 at 3:03pm Two old boys from the Mountains, Leroy and Jasper, have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now." So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!" :o |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/13/10 at 7:10am After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target, Wal-mart, and Sam's. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse and touch ... everything. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target. Dear Mrs. Rheaume, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' And last, but not least: 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/13/10 at 7:12am THE GOLF ROBOT A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today." The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir I believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie. Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week." A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please." The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible" The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way." The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro-shop, and the other thinks he's the President." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/16/10 at 10:33am LIFE AFTER DEATH "DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU! PALM SUNDAY IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!" CHILDREN'S SERMON ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE !! " SUPPORT A FAMILY THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES." FIRST TIME USHERS A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE." CLIMB THE WALLS "OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US." THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED. THE WATER PISTOL WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL... HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED.... "I REMEMBER!!" GRANDMA'S AGE LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS. GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING." JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hookdup on 08/17/10 at 7:53am Her Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar for a drink. I was out shopping all day with some friends, so I thought he was upset at the fact that i was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so i suggested we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. he agreed, but he didnt say much. I asked him what was wrong; He daid, 'Nothing. 'I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I cant explain his behavior. I dont know why he didnt say, 'I love you too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. about 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But, I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. i dont know what to do. im slamost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY: RACECAR WOULDNT START TODAY, CANT FIGURE IT OUT. BUT, AT LEAST I GOT LAID. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 08/23/10 at 9:10am A plane crashed in the middle of rural Iowa. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree-line that bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?". "Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine. "Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... But you know how bad that sumabitch lies." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/23/10 at 7:45pm Two Mexicans are on a bicycle > Two Mexicans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, > Louisiana. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a > lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, > and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. > > He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 > bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can > manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back > into town and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their > bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. > > By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure > enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. > > The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the > driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs." > > The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a > look in the trailer. > > She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on > her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as > possible plus the Swat Team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she > has that require so many officers. > > "I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. > Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle." :o |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/27/10 at 8:42pm Dear Mom, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoningfrom the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 08/27/10 at 9:05pm The Economy is Picking Up A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing land mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof. Complements of Mike from Fast |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/31/10 at 4:42pm This was so funny! Thought you all could use a laugh too. Have a great day When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with another site and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and another site, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space. That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world. My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag. The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud. I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead…well, it was not a good relationship. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me. To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings. The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot." P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 08/31/10 at 9:56pm SCATALOGICALLY My dirty mind read this scatalogically. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by txlmfan on 09/04/10 at 7:41am A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ." "I see," the captain says. "Plus," (wanting to make a full confession, she adds) "He's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 09/10/10 at 10:40pm All women should live so long as to be this kind of lady! Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" Eighty percent held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 09/13/10 at 5:54pm So One day this Penguins Car Breaks Down. Thats right a penguin. His car breaks down and he takes it to the local auto repair shop. The repair man tells the penguin that it will take a little while so he may as well come back in about a half ...hour. So, the penguin waddles across the street to the local ice cream parlor. He sits down with a bowl of vanilla ice cream, and since a penguin does not have hands, he leans over the bowl, and sticks his head in the bowl & begins slurping up the ice cream. ** 1/2 hour later ** He waddles back to the body shop, and the repair man looks at him and says.... "Well............... ... it looks ................... it looks like you blew a seal" The penguin quickly responds, " No, no, it's just ice cream!!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 09/13/10 at 6:15pm http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OpuuAa7gdE |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by LM 34 on 09/20/10 at 8:32pm Two older women were making lunch together, and the topic of cosmetic surgery came up. The first woman said, "I have to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman responded, "Oh, really? Well, I'm thinking of having my a s s hole bleached!" "That's crazy!" replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 10/20/10 at 12:59pm It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by speeddoggie on 10/24/10 at 1:23pm A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, That you should know five things: 1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2) The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters.....'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 11/03/10 at 12:11pm How to keep a woman happy.... Priceless! It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: 1. A friend 2. A companion 3. A lover 4. A brother 5. A father 6. A master 7. A chef 8. An electrician 9. A carpenter 10. A plumber 11. A mechanic 12. A decorator 13. A stylist 14. A sexologist 15. A gynecologist 16. A psychologist 17. A pest exterminator 18. A psychiatrist 19. A healer 20. A good listener 21. An organizer 22. A good father 23. Very clean 24. Sympathetic 25. Athletic 26. Warm 27. Attentive 28. Gallant 29. Intelligent 30. Funny 31. Creative 32. Tender 33. Strong 34. Understanding 35. Tolerant 36. Prudent 37. Ambitious 38. Capable 39. Courageous 40. Determined 41. True 42. Dependable 43. Passionate 44. Compassionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 45. Give her compliments regularly 46. Love shopping 47. Be honest 48. Be very rich 49. Not stress her out 50. Not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Leave him alone |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 11/03/10 at 12:45pm Testicle Therapy Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied... He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by grey-wolf on 11/04/10 at 1:18pm An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi, said, "I am the Speaker of the House. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country, the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my backpack." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 11/04/10 at 2:52pm The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas. For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them. Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl? A. The Dallas Cowboys Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common? A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ". Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard? A. Put up a goal post. Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring? A. Old Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill? A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill. Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl? A. Nobody remembers. Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common? A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road! Thanks Don!!! Duane |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 11/17/10 at 5:07pm An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi, said, "I am the Speaker of the House. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 11/19/10 at 8:34am Please be advised I am sick of receiving questions about my dog who mauled 3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall, 6 illegals wearing Obama t-shirts, 4 Democrats wearing Pelosi t-shirts, 2 rappers, 5 phone operators who asked me to press 1 for English, 9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks, 8 customer service desk people speaking in broken English, 10 flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver. FOR THE LAST TIME... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 11/24/10 at 1:53pm Ten Thoughts to Ponder Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich . Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00? Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow. - - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by goldstar on 11/24/10 at 1:59pm A TRIP TO COSTCO Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Champ, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/06/10 at 5:57pm Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those “feelings” again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him. He said, “Take the dog for a walk.” |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 12/06/10 at 6:54pm A Little Christmas Story When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug. breaking it into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang. An irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Andrew on 12/06/10 at 7:13pm Ty OS6, I needed that. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/07/10 at 9:39pm I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates, and a half bottle of scotch. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace. ;) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Andrew on 12/13/10 at 7:21pm The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. 'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied. 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam. 'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'. The man replied, ' Ontario '. 'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .' 'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.' The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain. 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer __________________ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Andrew on 12/13/10 at 8:08pm The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides". The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 12/23/10 at 4:58pm Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he focuses his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He darn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his thingy over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 01/01/11 at 1:04pm A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He took his problem to his best friend, Ike. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?" "Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi." So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi. "Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?" And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the Heavens: "Funny you should ask," said the Voice.. "I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . ..." :o :-? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 01/11/11 at 2:40pm A couple living in a small Minnesota town take on an 18-year-old > >> girl as a lodger. > >> > >> She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told > >> her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in > >> front of the fire. > >> > >> "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the > >> woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday > >> night. > >> > >> After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the > >> woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. > >> > >> She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic > >> hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so > >> she said, "Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in > >> the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?" > >> > >> The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her > >> bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?" > >> > >> "No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down > >> there. Do you have hairs on yours?" > >> > >> "Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy muff. > >> > >> After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife > >> asked, "Did you see it?" > >> > >> "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?" > >> > >> "Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before." > >> > >> "I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!" > >> > >> |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by chevcamarolvr on 01/11/11 at 7:18pm Why CA is broke and MT isn't! The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor. 1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural. 2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. 3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases. 4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged. 5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals. 6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area. 7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world. 8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes. 9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State. Montana : The Governor of Montana is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog. 1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. 2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote. And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Montana is not. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 01/18/11 at 7:47am Tolerance I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose, that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs (which would be gay) "The Turban Cowboy" and the other being a topless bar "You Mecca Me Hot". Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and adjacent to that have an open barbeque pork rib restaurant, called something like “ Iraq o’ Ribs”? Across the street there could be a very daring lingerie store called Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop (Koranal Knowledge), its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store, maybe call it "Morehammered"? Then the Muslims could be allowed to show their tolerance. Problem solved. If you agree in promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan, pass it on. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by chevcamarolvr on 01/20/11 at 7:02pm The year is 1947 Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations. However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born: Albert A. Gore, Jr.. Hillary Rodham John F. Kerry William J. Clinton Howard Dean Nancy Pelosi Dianne Feinstein Charles E. Schumer Barbara Boxer See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses? I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me. No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 01/21/11 at 6:54am There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad," said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still. So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 01/21/11 at 7:30pm When profiling began For the longest time, many of us have been trying to figure out just when profiling of people began. I believe I found the source of that concern. The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by over4t on 01/25/11 at 8:17am Congress was talking about the problems of population explosion in America. One congressman stood up and said " In 1959 our population was approximately 100,000,000 and today we have over 300,000,000. At this rate a woman has a baby every 32 seconds in the U.S." Another congressman stands up and indignantly replies" We've got to find that woman and stop her!!!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 01/31/11 at 8:51am So you think English is easy? 01) The bandage was wound around the wound. 02) The farm was used to produce produce. 03) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 04) We must polish the Polish furniture. 05) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 06) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 07) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 08) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 09) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 21) A realtor has lots of lots for sale. Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 02/06/11 at 9:26am A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No," the man replied, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Andrew on 02/06/11 at 2:09pm I've always struggled with explaining the difference between torque and horsepower, to someone that doesn't get it, in a simple way... Maybe this will help others too!! "UNDERSTEER" is when you hit the fence with the front of the car. "OVERSTEER" is when you hit the fence with the rear of the car. "HORSEPOWER" is how fast you hit the fence. "TORQUE" is how far you take the fence with you. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 02/06/11 at 3:30pm ;D And....if the back end of your racecar is beat to death, you really weren't all that fast....... |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 02/13/11 at 10:50pm Things are not always as we see them to be…….. A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge ... so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity ... so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a nice kiss?" So she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be happy for the rest of your life if you'd just use your exceptional talent." By the way, why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by that61ss on 02/16/11 at 3:22pm what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose ? FULL or TOPPED OFF |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by crazy2020 on 03/04/11 at 9:51am A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ." The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America ! That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American." He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa ." Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 03/04/11 at 7:25pm crazy2020 wrote on 03/04/11 at 9:51am:
Hmmmm, having a little trouble mustering up a chuckle for that. Duane |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 03/05/11 at 6:18pm The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by benstrans on 03/06/11 at 5:27pm Sorry I can't show the picture, but I just got this one. The government has come out with a new pistol in honor of Obama called the "Union Worker". It doesn't work and you can't fire it. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 03/06/11 at 5:47pm Little Firefighter If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing.. A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. ' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.' Thanks Mike!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 03/06/11 at 5:57pm I did laugh the first time i read it. Somewhere around three years ago I think ........................ LOL ;D :D ;) :) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 03/09/11 at 5:36pm Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light. 'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??' ' Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.' 'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked. 'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole. 'Could I see him?' Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?' 'Yes, I will,' says the Genie. So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... Flying directly overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!' Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat Da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 03/11/11 at 7:44pm An off-duty LAPD Captian assigned to Newton Division narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he attempted horseback riding with no prior experiance. He mounted the horse , unassisted, and the horse immediately began moving. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the officer began to slip sideways form the saddle. Altough attempting to grab for the horse's mane he could not get a firm grip. He then threw his arms around the horse's neck, but continued to slide down the side of the horse. The horse galloped along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing his grip, the Captian attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safty. His foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground. Moments away from unconsciousness and probalbe death, to his great fortune a Los Angles County Sheriff's Deputy, at Wal-Mart on a shoplifting call, saw him and quickly unplugged the horse! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 03/12/11 at 4:25pm Question: How much cocanine did Charlie Sheen use last week? Answer: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 03/13/11 at 9:23pm The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!" Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that………with one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage. AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY! Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Meneley1 on 03/14/11 at 9:10pm Old Fart Football An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says,’Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides If you don't laugh At this one, then you've got a terrible sense of humor !!!!!!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by crazy2020 on 03/15/11 at 7:24pm RETIRED > HUSBAND > > > After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on > her trips to Target. > > > Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and > preferred to get in > and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most > women - she loves to > browse. > > > > Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from > the local Target: > > > > Dear Mrs. Harris, > > > > Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a > commotion in our > store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been > forced to ban both of you > from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. > Harris, are listed > below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: > > > > > 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put > them in other people's > carts when they weren't looking. > > > > 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go > off at 5-minute > > intervals. > > > > 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor > leading to the women's > restroom. > > > > 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an > official voice, 'Code 3 > in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the > employee to leave her > assigned station and receive a reprimand from her > Supervisor that in turn > resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose > time and costing > the company money. > > > > 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a > bag of M&Ms on > layaway. > > > > 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to > a carpeted area. > > > > 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and > told the children > shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring > pillows and blankets from the > bedding department to which twenty children obliged. > > > > > 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he > began crying and > screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me > alone?' EMTs were called. > > > > 9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and > used it as a mirror > while he picked his nose. > > > > 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting > department, he asked the > clerk where the antidepressants were. > > > > 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while > loudly humming the ' > Mission Impossible' theme. > > > > 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his > 'Madonna look' by using > different sizes of funnels. > > > > 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people > browsed through, yelled > 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' > > > > 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud > speaker, he assumed a > fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE > VOICES AGAIN!' > > > > And last, but not least: > > > > 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, > waited awhile, then > yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper > in here.' One of the clerks > passed out. > > > > |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by NAILIT on 03/16/11 at 6:59pm A man and his wife are shopping at Walmart The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies. ... 'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. ˜What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser. And it's half the price!!' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/24/11 at 1:53pm >>I was eating lunch last Sunday with my 10-year-old nephew when his mom >>asked him "What is tomorrow?" >> >>He said "It's President's Day." >> >>She asked "What does that mean?" >> >>I was waiting for something profound... >> >>He said, "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the >> White House, and if he sees his shadow we have >> 2 more years of unemployment." >> >>You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mountainman on 03/24/11 at 9:58pm In our office we have a sign that reads "everyone brings happiness to this office, some when they enter and some when they leave." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 03/31/11 at 2:22pm I got a kick out the supposed adware's search of 68j's comment..."Left Search" on deportation. How Ironic...or is that coincidence?  |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 06/05/11 at 7:41pm A man washed up on a desert island after a shipwreck. The only other survivors were a sheep and a sheepdog. The three of them got into the habit of going down to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds and the breeze was warm and gentle. It was a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over and put his arm around the sheep. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man took Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful tropical evening – perfect for romance. Before long the man started to get “those feelings” again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in, moved closer to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months. Nancy batted her bushy eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do to help. “Yes,” he said, “Take the dog for a walk.” |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 06/21/11 at 6:51pm A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 06/21/11 at 9:42pm A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?' The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!' Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? " Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by chevcamarolvr on 06/29/11 at 8:43pm Subject: 2013 2013 One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from Across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don 't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir." In God We Trust -- NEVER AGAIN WILL ONE GENERATION OF VETERANS ABANDON ANOTHER!!! SEMPER FIDELIS |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Mark on 06/29/11 at 10:03pm There once was a pervert named Weiner Who had a perverted demeanor Forced from the Hill For acting like Bill Now Congress is one weiner leaner |
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Title: The real reason why Obama is mad at Texas Post by probat on 07/10/11 at 1:37pm Obama Angry with Texas : Says he'll never come back to Texas and will do all he can to convince us to secede! Here's why... THEY SAY THIS HAPPENED IN San Antonio!!! Obama will be making no more public speeches in Texas .... He claims every time he gets up on stage to make a speech, some South Texas cotton farmer starts bidding on him. God Bless San Antonio! God Bless Texas! God, I Love Texas! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 07/20/11 at 10:30pm .Sitting together on a train was Obama, a Cajun, a little old lady and a young blonde girl with large breasts. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks. The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him. The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him. Obama thinks: Cajun must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead. The Cajun thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the sh!t out of Obama again |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 07/21/11 at 8:55pm  Jus sayin------------------ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 07/29/11 at 6:02pm YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS RANCHER'S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO LIFE. While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man...Eventually, the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president. The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a POST TURTLE ''... Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'. The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with." ;D :D :o |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 08/01/11 at 8:29am Lee Trevino - a true story One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did. A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English ?" Lee responded, "Yes M'aam, I do" The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work ?" Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her". The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 08/03/11 at 10:27pm Italian Bread Two friends, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80-year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He replied, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh!t but me!" |
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Title: Not just a "Joke of the Day", a JOKE "EVERY DAY" Post by fromthegrandstands on 08/04/11 at 12:11am LIBERAL DEMOCRATS Some day America will wake the hell up, and SLAM the door on these idiots. Hopefully we don't give our country away before than, and then TAX the rest of the survivors to DEATH |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/08/11 at 2:44pm DOES THIS APPLY LATELY???? Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, Faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, Good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, My place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, Sitting down, naked or with clothes on . . . It doesn't matter to me. I just love it." His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 08/09/11 at 7:57am Guts and Balls Just thought you'd like to know.. Medical distinction between Guts and Balls. There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both will result in death. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by jimbob37 on 08/09/11 at 2:30pm Obama looked at Michelle, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." Michelle shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy". Hearing their exchange, the pilot of plane said to his co-pilot,"Such big-shots back there. I could throw both of them out of the window and make 556 million people very happy."!! ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/10/11 at 10:28pm Boy! Ain't this the truth! Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence: - No Christmas? - No television? - No nude women!?! - No football? - No pork chops? - No hot dogs? - No burgers? - No beer!?! - No bacon? - Rags for clothes? - Towels for hats? - Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower? - More than one wife? - More than one mother in law!?! - You can't shave? - Your wife can't shave? - You can't wash off the smell of donkey? - You wipe your arse with your hand? - You cook over burning camel nuts? - Your wife is picked by someone else for you? - and your wife smells worse than your donkey?? Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"?? Well no sh@@ Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse. ;D :) :o ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mountainman on 08/11/11 at 8:10pm Hogracer and wooliebuger... those were the funniest jokes I've heard in a long time. Thanks. ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by jimbob37 on 08/13/11 at 11:45pm Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school Dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" Robot then slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son." Robot then slaps the mom!.... |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 08/14/11 at 2:59pm Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: Two Prostitutes - $50.00. A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.' One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!' 'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.' The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car. He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign: Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter --$50 |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/18/11 at 10:01am LETS HEAR IT FOR OUR NEW MILITARY Best Military Quote: "When I joined the military, it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional, and now it's legal. I'm getting out before they make it mandatory." GySgt Harry Berres, USMC I have always said what 2 consenting adults do behind closed doors is there business, but dont fore me to accept your way of liviing..JMOO...Don >:( :-? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/20/11 at 2:17pm A man drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-70, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE OLDER SMARTER GENERATION |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by charliej13 on 08/24/11 at 2:15pm THE REAL CAUSE OF THE EARTHQUAKE BACK EAST- IT WAS OUR FOUNDING FATHERS ROLLING OVER IN THEIR GRAVES! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/24/11 at 2:49pm Amen to that brother, also heard another report that Obama said they found faults, and its called blame it on the Bush's Fault!!!... ;D :) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by TDAWG on 08/25/11 at 3:50pm Obama wakes up one night, there is George Washington's ghost! He says, " George how can I help this country?" Washington replies, "Be honest with the people like I was!" Obama goes back to sleep and awakes again. This time its' Thomas Jefferson's ghost! He says "Tom how can I help this country?" Jefferson says, "Love the constitution like I did!" Waking up again there is Abe Lincoln's ghost, he says "Abe how can I help this country?" Abe replies, "Go see a play." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 08/29/11 at 10:05pm A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by 18racr on 08/30/11 at 5:18am LOL,,^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Perry25 on 08/30/11 at 11:31am Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name. " Walter," responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Walter?" "I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs? Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?" Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time.. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name. "Steve," he responds. "And what is your question, Steve?" Actually, I have 6 questions. First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs? Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the heck happened to Walter?" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 09/26/11 at 4:27pm The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese. However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls. Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not... ...a Congress! ;D :o |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 10/01/11 at 7:53am On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just Inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several Dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he Thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me...' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...? Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the Fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...? They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him... ;D :o ::) |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by jrtracing on 10/10/11 at 8:27pm Just thought this was somebody with a great sense of humor! 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 10/12/11 at 6:47am New Mexico Chili Cookoff If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account???? As relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico. Note: Please take time to read this slowly! If you pay attention to the first two judges, The reaction of the third judge is even better!! For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL . Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,so I accepted and became Judge #3. Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ..... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices & peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 -- No report. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 10/12/11 at 11:39am The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol for the President. > It is half black, half white, and everything it does stinks |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 10/19/11 at 7:59pm Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden, feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" And thus history was forever altered. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 10/23/11 at 10:40pm EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything-under-one-roof' department store looking for a job. The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?' The kid says 'Yeah, I was a salesman back in Wisconsin...' Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.' His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'Son, how many customers bought something from you today?' The kid says, 'One.' The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?' The kid says, '$101,237.65.' The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?' The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down off the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft Cabin Cruiser. When he said he didn't think his Honda Civic could pull it, I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Hummer that could.' The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a new BOAT and a HUMMER?' The kid said 'No sir, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' Duane |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Kdawg on 10/27/11 at 6:22pm A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Brunswick. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I’ve heard enough of your stupid-ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, ”You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little not a very nice person on your knee!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 11/10/11 at 8:48pm My Favorite Animal Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now... |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Pearson_79 on 11/14/11 at 10:26pm Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 11/14/11 at 10:53pm The agony of dyslexia and Daylight Saving......... I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend last night. He was busy covering his pen!s with black shoe polish. I said to him: "You idiot!" "You're supposed to turn your clock back! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 11/23/11 at 9:03pm Christmas lights I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Obama. They all hang together Half of them don't work And the ones that do, Aren't that bright. Thank you Sara |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by imracin68j on 11/23/11 at 9:40pm Politics is like driving, it's R to go backwards and D to go forward. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by fromthegrandstands on 11/24/11 at 8:49pm HAHA Best JOKE Ever!!! Politics is like driving, it's R to go backwards and D to go forward. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 11/24/11 at 9:49pm WOW!!! Shot my first turkey today!!! Scared the crap out of the folks in the frozen food section!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 11/24/11 at 9:50pm imracin68j wrote on 11/23/11 at 9:40pm:
I wish we could revearse this clown!! No Joke!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by imracin68j on 11/25/11 at 8:34am Why do Republicans never worry about using up all the world's fossil fuels? They're only a few years from becoming more of it themselves. Ba-da-bing. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by imracin68j on 11/25/11 at 8:39am You might be a Republican if... You'll spend $20 billion guarding a bridge against the possibility of a terrorist attack, but won't spend 20 cents to keep it from falling down on its own. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by imracin68j on 11/25/11 at 8:41am "Republican frontrunner New Ginrich says he's going to try to follow Ronald Reagan's 11th commandment that a Republican should never attack another Republican. Let's hope he has better luck with the 11th commandment than he did with the 7th commandment." "I still got it." - Ralph Malph |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 11/25/11 at 7:11pm I loved this idea! Maybe someday. Israel's new Cutting Edge Airport Security TEL AVIV, Israel The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person. Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom! BRILLIANT!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by PriddyMotorsports on 11/26/11 at 12:46am Now that is perfect |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 11/26/11 at 9:26am Also by the sounds and reports of Ranchers and Farmers along the Texas border, they are moving families away from farms and ranches because it is becoming too dangerous to keep them there. Seems as thought the dope runners and people smugglers are pretty well armed and making threats if you call the local border patrol or law enforcement. Now when illegal traffic across the border is running free like that, maybe I am wrong but dont ya think its time for our leaders to protect our country instead of worrying about what is happening in other parts of the world. Pictures show ranchers and farmers arming themselves against possible run-in's with these folks. Why are our troops not stopping this invastion into our country. Maybe too many folks are making too much money with this illegal trade in humans and drugs???...JMOO...Don |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 11/30/11 at 11:37am >Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being >interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. >The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What >do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before > you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you > the one who killed my brother? > >Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. > All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who > am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to > get away? They are very much like the Democrats in > Congress.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/07/11 at 3:54pm Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do. The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and voted for Obama." Thanks to Mike from Fast Duane ;D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by imracin68j on 12/07/11 at 4:02pm Make sure you scroll to the right. lol 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/07/11 at 4:54pm LOL thats a good one, ya, an American flag around a bunch of Democrats, now that is a real laugher. ;D Duane |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by benstrans on 12/08/11 at 9:16am mudslinger47 wrote on 12/07/11 at 4:54pm:
Billy's a graphic aritst. It was photoshopped. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/08/11 at 4:54pm The Difference Between Grandmothers & Grandfathers - very touching Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on ... weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Oh, yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single azzhole, piece of crap, horse's azz, blind bastard, dipchit, Muslim goat humper or son of a b!tch anywhere we went!" Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/09/11 at 4:24pm Socially Unacceptable Humor I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest pen!s she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg." I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists? A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening". The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back. At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!! One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either. There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets. A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache." Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on another site. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 dumbass Muslims have added me as a friend!! Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard. The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 12/14/11 at 2:50pm DONATIONS A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/16/11 at 4:19pm Texas Sheriff Entrance Exam: A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriff's Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a S & W .45 ACP pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit." "Why the rabbit?" the man asked. "That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you start?" I love Texas |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by fromthegrandstands on 12/25/11 at 8:10pm a Great JOKE from one of THE Greatest Presidents in U.S. History!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmwDaYpgFMU&sns=fb |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 12/30/11 at 6:17pm A doctor from France says: "In France, the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work." The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half tof the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing, my colleagues, you are way behind us. In the USA, about 3 years ago we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls. We made him President of the United States, and now the whole darn country is looking for work. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/16/12 at 4:08pm There is a Muslim passenger in a taxi. He asks the taxi-driver to turn off the radio He explains that he must not hear music as decreed by his religion , for in the time of the prophet, there was no music ... no radio……. So the driver turns off the radio, stops the car , leans over and opens the back door. The Arab asks him : "What are you doing?" The driver replied : "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out my car and wait for a camel ." ;D :D |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 03/17/12 at 6:36pm 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 03/18/12 at 3:50pm Little Johnnie's Weekend Assignment The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good, Sally" said the teacher. Little Jenny was next, "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny said the teacher.. Eventually, it was Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath, as Johnny always had a 'different' take on things. Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling? "Toothbrushes" said Johnny. "Toothbrushes" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money? "I found the busiest corner in town" said Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something crappy, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth." Johnny got five stars for his efforts, bless his little heart... ;D :D :-? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 03/27/12 at 8:29am I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct. The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "CHANGE" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling a little frisky and messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round. I had to walk back to the dealership... the guy had no sense of humor. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 06/05/12 at 5:16pm If you are over 45 years old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Self-Test. How fast can you guess these words and fill in the blanks? 1. _ _NDOM 2. F_ _K 3. P_N_S 4. S_X 5. BOO_S | | | | | | | | | | Answers: 1. RANDOM 2. FORK 3. PANTS 4. SIX 5. BOOKS You got all five wrong....didn't you? You do NOT have Alzheimer's You are a Pervert |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 06/29/12 at 5:49pm http://jesus-loves-you.org/?p=6641 |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 07/11/12 at 2:28pm The Democrat Party today announced that it is changing its symbol from the Donkey to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the Party's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed! darn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 07/14/12 at 12:49pm 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 07/25/12 at 3:08pm Late Breaking News about November It has been leaked to the Press that Barack Obama has chosen Sylvester Stallone for his 2012 running mate, Nancy Pelosi for Secretary of State and is dropping Joe Biden from the ticket. They will run as "Sambo, Rambo, and Bimbo", without "Dumbo" |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/15/12 at 8:55pm "Either you side with 'Chick-fil-A' or you don't; but, one thing is for certain, if you want to continue eating chicken you need a hen and a rooster." ;D :D :o |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by benstrans on 08/15/12 at 9:58pm Wooliebuger1 wrote on 08/15/12 at 8:55pm:
PRICELESS!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 08/16/12 at 1:11pm CONDOM HISTORY Interesting piece of history! In 1272, the Arabic Islamic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of Education. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Wooliebuger1 on 08/16/12 at 7:47pm * Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." * Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." * Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious." * Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." * Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces." * At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew." * Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." * Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said? |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 08/21/12 at 9:51pm 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 09/19/12 at 12:17am Me and seven of my buddies go to this Vegas show. The hypnotist has us come up on stage and he's going to hypnotise all of us. So he does seven of them and I'm left then the dude starts coming over to me and he dropped his mike on his foot!!! He hollers Fu@k-me......what came after that will color my future for ever!!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 09/19/12 at 10:10am the "Urinator" strikes at Obama speech, lol 
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by hogracer3d on 09/19/12 at 10:24am  available @ Amazon.com |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by fromthegrandstands on 10/23/12 at 5:10pm A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an > expensive, > expertly tailored black suit. > > The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like > the > body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit > he is already wearing. > > The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his > best > in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde > mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please > have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' > > The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her > husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the > suit > fits him perfectly... > > She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You > did > an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' > To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank > check. > > 'There's no charge,' she says. > > 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue > suit!' she says. > > 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased > gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you > left > yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if > she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she > said > it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' > > 'So I just switched the heads.' |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 11/02/12 at 8:32am SOMETIMES PEOPLE YOU ARE TRYING TO HELP JUST ARE UNGRATEFUL!!! HERES > >> A GOOD EXAMPLE Today I had to go to Sears. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space. I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available. The driver looked puzzled,rolled down her window and said,"I'm not handicapped!" Well, as you can imagine, my face was red! "Oh, I'm sorry" I said. "I saw your Obama bumper sticker and just assumed that you suffer from a mental disorder." She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me. Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out! |
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Title: NEW APPLE PRODUCT Post by OLD SCHOOL#6 on 12/18/12 at 3:43pm Apple has announced it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $4990 to $6990 depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by redbear on 01/08/13 at 10:13am Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. ... Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer. "nuts Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well, she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey...... On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So, here I am! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by redbear on 01/08/13 at 10:22am SOMETIMES PEOPLE YOU ARE TRYING TO HELP JUST ARE UNGRATEFUL!!! HERES >> A GOOD EXAMPLE Today I had to go to Sears. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space. I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available. The driver looked puzzled,rolled down her window and said,"I'm not handicapped!" Well, as you can imagine, my face was red! "Oh, I'm sorry" I said. "I saw your Obama bumper sticker and just assumed that you suffer from a mental disorder." She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me. Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by redbear on 01/08/13 at 10:31am Dying Priest In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid , "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected." Reid agreed that it was a good thing. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?" The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." "Amen", said Obama. "Amen", said Reid. The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by redbear on 01/08/13 at 10:39am Southerners have a way with words. These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos: 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through." 2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." 3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite) 4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." 5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT) 6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" 7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" 8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." 9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" 10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." 11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." 12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center ) 13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?" 14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." 15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." AND THE WINNER IS.... 16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 02/01/13 at 8:15pm A little known fact For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed two new laws — gay marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because ... Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned." We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by FASTMIKE on 02/02/13 at 7:08am y'all hear bout Glocks new hand gun called the Congressman? doesnt work and cannot be fired. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by redbear on 11/27/13 at 4:08pm Hope you like this one Obama went for a ride in a hot air balloon. After an hour he suddenly realized he was lost. He lowered his altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. He shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised some supporters I would meet with them an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. Obama rolled his eyes and said, "You must be a Republican. "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered Obama, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be President Obama, the left wing Liberal." "I am," replied Obama. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made lots of promises you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 12/05/13 at 7:21am Men's vs women's brains explained. http://www.youtube.com/embed/ulP6f9zXtTs?rel=0 |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 12/08/13 at 8:27pm LOL saw this in one of out Bible studies about a yr ago I think....Good stuff!! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 02/04/14 at 12:31pm Dad's Will A man was telling his buddy "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose." "Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?" "Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend-- Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!'" ____________________________________________________________ = |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 02/15/14 at 3:36pm A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there’s a robot bartender. The robot says “What will you have?” The guy says “Whiskey.” The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says “168.” The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves...but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says “What will you have?” The guy says “Whiskey.” Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says “100.” The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Lions and MSU. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says “What will you have?” The guy says, “Whiskey,” and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says “What’s your IQ?” The guy says “Uh...about 50.” The robot leans in real close and says “So...you people still happy... with Obama?” = |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Andrew on 02/20/14 at 7:42am This is a frightening statistic 25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 02/21/14 at 7:27pm Not really a joke...but funny anyway. Letter home from Marine in bootcamp Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once... He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Alice |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 02/22/14 at 6:24pm If YouTube, Twitter, and F acebook merged....... it would be called YouTwitFace. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 03/18/14 at 9:55pm What did satan get when the flash on his camera failed during a selfie? Prints of darkness |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Veighty8 on 05/01/14 at 11:24pm There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS: Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS: Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Baby." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. However there is No difference in the outcome. Both are fatal. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Veighty8 on 05/29/14 at 11:43pm There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman. A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb 8oz baby boy. The old man replied, “This old motor is still a' running.” Next next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the man that he was the father of a 8lb 5oz baby girl. The old man replied, “This old motor is still a' running.” The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 10lb 9oz baby boy. The old man replied again, “This old motor is still a' running.'' And the doctor said, “Yeah but you better get your oil changed because this one is black.” |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by dusty1 on 06/09/14 at 8:21pm New Mexico Chili Cook-off If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Gering , Nebraska. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3." Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 -- No report |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Veighty8 on 06/17/14 at 10:15pm A man received the following text from his neighbour: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: darn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife". |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 06/23/14 at 9:17pm Love is like a fart....if ya have to force it, its probably crap..... |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Veighty8 on 12/23/14 at 10:32pm A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist called Linda. Her breasts were so large that they jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green, astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.,_.___ |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 04/13/15 at 5:42pm One Tough Harley Guy On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?" She says, "I'm going to commit suicide." While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one. After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you ' re wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 04/14/15 at 1:19pm An elderly gent was invited to an old friend‘s home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, ''I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. ''I have to tell you the truth,'' he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old hag what her name is." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 06/06/15 at 8:30am HILARY KLINTON |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Veighty8 on 06/09/15 at 2:07pm Subject: FW: Bill Clinton was driving ..... Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama's new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go ballistic. Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie, "as a reward I shall grant you one wish." "Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog I just ran over." They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me", Bill asked. The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This poor critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life, maybe there's something else you'd like?" Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I'm actually married to this older, distressed looking woman called Hillary", he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Hillary isn't good looking at all, so do you think you can make her look pretty like Monica?" The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "darn man, let's go have another look at that dog." |
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Title: Drunk test Post by Veighty8 on 06/29/15 at 10:28pm A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my tushy to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.” |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by formercrewguy on 07/07/15 at 6:51pm The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?" "You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent." |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Veighty8 on 09/04/15 at 8:30pm A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba". |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by mudslinger47 on 10/13/15 at 6:15pm From VEIGHTY: Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.) He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home. He gets back to Minnesota , and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney, and says, "Jimmy, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens." So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the tit - and the cow farts. Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din't yah?" Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Jimmy about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?" Jimmy says, "My wife's from Nordakota. |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Veighty8 on 10/31/15 at 12:13pm Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days So the king went fishing. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal > forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the king hired the donkey. Thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to run the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. And the practice is unbroken to this date! |
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Title: Re: Joke of the Day Post by Veighty8 on 02/02/16 at 10:03am A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...." |
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